Junebug • TWD

38. Closed Eyes.

Bang.

The gunshot echoes out from the room that Carl is in. Me, Maggie, and the baby are outside, frozen solid. The gunshot means that Lori is dead dead. It means that she won't turn into a walker. It means that Carl just put a bullet through his momma's head.

My nails dig into my palms so hard that they bend, and some of them even break. They're not strong enough to break my skin and leave red marks. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Right now, I wish they would break my skin, just so I can feel it. I need to let it out. All I can do is cry, but my muscles feel like they need to do something and I can't get the feeling to go away. I just keep opening and closing my fists.

Carl walks passed me and Maggie emotionlessly. His face is wet with tears, but he stands himself up tall and strong. Not me. I can't be strong no more. Not even if I try. And I am trying.

Nobody says anything as Maggie leads us through the prison halls. I try to keep my eyes on my shoes so I don't have to see any of the dead bodies or the blood, but there's blood on my shoes, too. Lori's blood. And that makes it even worse.

My hands are terribly shaky in a way that makes me feel like I'm made out of the salt and pepper screen on the TV that comes on when it ain't working right. My whole body feels like it's buzzing and my head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. Just before we reach the outside again, I have to stop to throw up. It ain't much more than stomach acid, but I can see bits of the food I've eaten since they got some from the prisoners, and seeing it makes me never want to eat it again.

When Maggie opens the door to the outside, the light shines in so bright that I can't see for a good few seconds. The blood on my shoes looks redder in the sunlight, I notice as I stumble out behind Maggie.

The baby lets out a cry.

Tearing my eyes away from my shoes, I stare at Carl's back for a moment, and then at the people in the courtyard. Rick's out there. Hershel and Beth, too. Glenn. The prisoners. And my daddy's out there, too. His eyes are big and blue, like mine, and as soon as his eyes meet my matching ones, I melt all over again and, even though I thought I was all empty, more tears start streaming down my cheeks.

My shoulders shake with each sob and I freeze up again, shrinking in on myself and wringing my hands together in front of me. I just hear breathing, footsteps, and some things clattering to the ground. Then, I feel my daddy's hands on my cheeks, and I know they're his 'cause they're rough and soft at the same time, and they're pulling my head towards him. He presses his forehead against mine, still holding onto my cheeks, and I think he's saying words but I'm not really registering them.

I can see Dad's silhouette, crouching down in front of me, but I can't see him clearly. Everything looks blurry through my tears.

I can hear Maggie crying, too. Carl's still silent and still like a statue.

Dad's voice is quiet, like a murmur or a whisper only for me, but Rick's voice is there, too, and it's louder. It's wobbling up and down, and then it's breaking completely. And then he's crying, and I can hear it, and it makes me cry even more because I don't think I've ever seen or heard Rick cry before in my entire life.

My brain makes my head try turning to my left to look at Carl- to see what expression he holds on his face- but my dad's hands don't let me move my head at all. They're firm in place, pressing against my cheeks and practically holding me up.

"Juni, baby, c'mon." My dad's voice becomes clearer, and behind it, I can hear Rick sobbing and yelling. And I want Lori to be here to calm him down, and to calm me down, and to make us all okay. "June. Hey. What- what-" I think he was about to ask what happened, but I think he knows what happened. "You okay?" He knows that answer, too. "You bit?"