Junebug • TWD

34. Prisoners.

Today I looked in the mirror. We don't run into a lot of mirrors, usually, so I've only caught glimpses of myself in windows and shiny cars that reflect my image back like the weird mirrors they have at fairs and circuses. Today, though, I looked in a real mirror. Although it was dirty, it showed me what I really look like. 

I look sicker than I thought I did. No wonder everyone's been treating me like a baby. I would, too, if I were them. My hair is getting really long, too. This morning, I told Dad that I want to cut it, but he said he would do a bad job. I told him I don't care. He said maybe when he got back. 

He and a few of the other strong adults are going to clear out some more of the prison. Him, Rick, Maggie, Glenn, T-Dog, and Hershel, I think. They're going to try to get to the cafeteria, which I'm really hoping for because today I feel motivated. I want to get better and I don't care what it takes. I told Dad that this morning, too, and he said that ain't how it works. I don't think he knows what he's talking about, though, so I'm hoping he's wrong. 

Carl got mad this morning, when the adults left, because he wanted to go with them. He thinks he's all grown up, just like them, but he isn't. He thought that at the farm, too, and it got him and me into a whole bunch of trouble. So I've learned my lesson. I ain't going along with anything he says anymore. I don't know if he'd really want my help no more, anyway. I ain't much of a helping hand. 

Except for with Lori. Lori still asks for me to do things, sometimes. I like that. She treats me like a baby still, sometimes, because it must be really hard not to. But Lori also ain't afraid to treat me like any other kid. She hasn't been super helpful recently, either, being pregnant and all, so I think she gets that it might be frustrating for me, which is why she sometimes gives me things to do. Today, she asked me to fold up some of the clothes that were overflowing from her bag, which is what I'm doing now. 

As I'm folding, I can hear Carl outside the cells, walking back and forth like some sort of security guard. Rick gave him the keys to let them back in, so that he'd have something to do, and Carl is taking that job real seriously. I don't blame him. There isn't much else to do any more than to help. 

And, when you're just following along without being any important sort of help, you kind of feel guilty about it. It feels like you're dead weight that they're dragging with them just because they feel like they have to. So you want to have jobs, so you feel like you deserve to be with the group. 

Carl deserves to be in the group, I think, not because of the things he does to help but because everyone likes having him around. Lori and Rick would be awfully sad without him, and I would, too, I think. He's pretty much my best friend these days. I would say Beth is, too, but sometimes I wonder if she's just hanging out with me to be nice. Just because she's a bit older than me. I think she's either sixteen or seventeen. Most sixteen-and-seventeen-year-olds don't just hang out with eleven-year-olds for the fun of it. 

I think Lori really, truly likes me, though. Well, not that the others don't really, truly like me. I just feel like Lori understands me more than anyone else does. And not just because everyone is careful with her, too, because she is pregnant. Just because she understands. I don't know how else to say it. Maybe it's just because she's a mom and I miss my momma. I don't know. I just know that Lori is probably my favorite person to be around right now. I didn't used to feel that way, but now I do. 

"Hey, Lori?" I say, looking back to where she's sitting on the bed, folding clothes, too. 

"Hm?" she hums in response. 

"What d'you think you're gonna name the baby?" I ask her. I was thinking about this last night. I was thinking about names I like. For a girl, I like the names Lucy and Elodie. And for a boy, I like the names Felix and Milo. Those are all the names of the kids who were in my class at school. I always thought they were cool.