emotions

V.

Trying to get my mind off of things, I rolled up a blunt and went and got in my car. My sanctuary. Where there was no one else, just me, and the unrelenting thoughts that I'm fighting my hardest to get rid of. I plugged my Airpods into my ear and unlocked my phone. Scrolling through my phone, I searched for my music app. I lit up my blunt and took a long pull, as I let Mariah Carey's "Outside" overtake my wondering mind.

I couldn't help but stare out the window as the feeling of the lyrics and the sadness in my chest hit me both like a ton of bricks. I really lost my bestfriend today. And I don't think she cared about it as much as I did. What would happen now?

"...Neither here, nor there. Always somewhat out of place everywhere."

Thinking about that lyric made me think of her. She knew I was always the "outcast", the "weird" one as they say. A boy trying so desperately to fit in, but still subsequently feeling out of place no matter where I went. Over the years I kind of just became use to it. I just never in a million years would have ever thought she'd make feel like that. Not her bestfriend.

"...Although you try to tell yourself you really are, but in your heart, uncertainty forever lies." a tear found its way down my face and onto the thigh of my jeans as I took another pull of my blunt. I know I deserve better, even if better never comes, I know I was strong enough to know my worth. And I don't regret any of the love I gave, 'cause I know at one point in time, it was the only thing she had. I held her hand until she no longer needed mine. Though life will be different, I'm sure i'll run into you again.