emotions

I.

   I walked into the pretty big tall building on the corner of 13th Ave and Lenningston Street and embraced myself for my weekly Monday conversation.
"Good Morning, Mr. Parham. Cynthia's ready for your 11 o'clock whenever you are. I hope you have a good rest of your day." The receptionist spoke as she gathered her things for what I assumed was a meeting I saw the fellow associates loading upstairs for.
"Good morning Ms. Carlena, and thank you. I hope yours is a good one too." I said as I slowly made my way down the hall to the door that awaited me.
CYNTHIA ROBERTSON-HERNANDEZ
PSYCHIATRIST PhD '99
I took a deep breath as I stood in front of the sign. I knew if I wanted to move forward I'd have to start from the beginning of it all. And that's where Ms. Cynthia comes along. I just hope this works.
I knocked on the door three times and waited.
"Come in." I heard her sang from behind the door.
"Ah, Good morning." She said when I finally walked inside, greeting me with a smile I genuinely needed to see.
"Good morning Ms. Cynthia, how are you doing today?" I asked, placing my bag on the sofa and making myself comfortable.
"I'm doing well, funny I'm always the one asking that question first." She giggled to herself.
"I can only imagine." I said, letting out a small chuckle of my own. Ms. Cynthia had a way of making anyone that crossed her threshold feel like they truly mattered once inside. Like the 2 hours we spent babbling about our matters we were here for trumped everything else going on.
"Shall we begin where we left off last week?"
I looked all around, trying to stall for time but quickly gave in.
"Yes we can." I said, my breath slightly trembling. Talking about this always gave me anxiety.
"Alright. Have you given anymore thought on trying to contact her?"
"No." I said lowly.
"Do you know where she lives?"
"I do."
"What's stopping you from knocking on the door?"
She was digging deep.
"My emotions."
"Elaborate on that for me."
"When I finally reach her door, my emotions snatch me up by my shirt and throw me back in the car."
"Which emotion or emotions do you feel when you're in front of her door?"
I got quiet. For a while.
"Let's try another approach, Josh."
I raised my head slightly to look her in her eyes.
"I want you to close your eyes."
I did as she said and closed them.
"I want you to picture yourself in front of her door right now."
I found myself staring at the red painted wooden door again and start to push the doorbell, but I feel a hand on my shoulders. I look back and see it's me. Silently mouthing the words 'ARE YOU SURE' and I freeze in my place. Not sure if I should press it or not, I end up always floating away.
"What emotions do you feel right now?"
"Resentment."
"Why?"
"Because she was supposed to be here!" I opened my eyes, followed by the few tears that built up when I stood at my mom's front door.
"Why do you feel she wasn't here, Josh?"
"Because she wasn't. Having to hope you'd see her on a usual boring ass weekend. Swinging from a swing just staring into the sky wondering where she was and what she was doing and if she was thinking about you. Ear hustling on every phone call to see if it was her talking to one of the fam, hoping she'd ask to talk to you." I said as I wiped the endless river of tears escaping with each sentence I spoke.
"Have you ever thought about what she could be going through?"
"Not then, but now I do." I said sighing heavily.
"Is that the only emotion you feel when you get ready to press that doorbell?"
"No." I put my head back down.
"Another one? What is it?"
"Afraid/nervous."
"Why are you afraid, Josh?"
"I'm afraid she'll turn me away."
"Look at me, Josh." Ms. Cynthia picked my head up and made me face hers.
"A mother's love is infinite, no matter how hard the times may get or may have been for her, I'm sure there's a spot in her heart just for you."
"I'm 26 Doc, I feel selfish for all of this."
"Don't feel that way. You lost out on the most important love any human being needs, and you have every right to look for the answers as to why. Sometimes those same answers can open up new doors and opportunities for the love lost to be fully regained. I don't want you to give up on this."
I shook my head in agreement as I checked my time and realized our time was slowly coming to an end. Until next week that is.
"I don't want to give up. I don't know what to do next Doc." I said wiping a tear that threatened its way down my face.
"Take a few days, think about what I've said. And once you have, I want you to go to that doorbell and release all the emotions that's stopping you from proceeding, I want you to finally press that button. See exactly what could be. I want to know all about it on Monday, okay?"
I cried one final time, as I gave Ms. Cynthia a strong hug.
"Thank you, Ms. Cynthia. For everything. I'll be back Monday."
"You're always welcome. Remember, a few days."
"I will."
And with that I was down the hall and into my car.
A few days Josh... a few days.