Missing Your Chances (phan)

Chapter 15

It had been two weeks since Martin and I were sitting on the sidewalk sobbing, though it felt like much longer. Life was a lot better than it had been before Martin had come, though. I was eating properly and had a sleeping pattern down (though, it still involved me going to sleep at around three and waking up at around eleven or twelve). For the most part I had gotten over what had happened with Dan, but he was definitely still in my heart. I still couldn't believe that we both liked each other, and he had pretty much figured it out, yet neither of us told the other.

I was thinking about this when I remembered that I never actually finished the videos on Dan's camera. I slowly stood up from my position by the window. There would be times where I would just sit there and think about my life and how it has been going, and that was one of those times. I grabbed Dan's laptop, starting it up. It hadn't been used in quite a while, but it still ran exactly the same, starting up instantly. I followed the computerized path to the information on the SD card, and I skipped the first part. I didn't need to feel that pain again.

Dan was in his usual spot, having just started the camera. "I've decided to leave a note to Phil, explaining everything. It is in a box under my bed, and the key is on my key ring. It'll tell him about my feelings and things, and when I feel ready, I'll give it to him. That may be it twenty years, or twenty minutes. But I won't chicken out, and I will do what I know I need to. I mean, I have to be honest with myself; I can't hide it for forever, can I? But I can't quite do it yet, maybe in a month. Who knows, I may do it today! Then we can all live happily ever after, the end. Yeah, right, like that'll really happen. Somehow I will mess up, even if he likes me back, I know it. But, que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be. Hakuna matata. Yolo. Who cares? It'll all eventually pass, and it'll all just seem so tiny and insignificant that we will be able to laugh at it for days. Or, when I die, people really won't care about who I liked, you know? Yeah."

The next two days were pretty much talking about how we had met a lot of fans, and how cool it was, and things like that. There were also two vlogs about things for his danisnotinteresting channel, because he hadn't posted on that for a while. Finally, it was the last day, and I watched with wet eyes as he sat on his tire swing, oblivious to the fact that he would be dead in a few hours. He was in a really good mood as he turned on the camera. Instead of being dressed in his normal clothes, he was dressed in his nice white shirt and black tie, with his traditional black skinny jeans, of course. He spun around a couple times, and when he stopped, he looked straight at the camera, saying "I'm going to tell Phil! Today, at around five, I will go to him and give him the box. I'm not quite sure why I'm so dressed up, because he won't really see me, but I'm excited. All I have to do is give him the key, and get the box from under my bed. Then, if he doesn't like me back, I can, like, move out, and if he does, we can live like a couple! Honestly, I think the prize is worth the risk, and I'm finally risking it. I love you, Phil Lester!" Then, the scene changed, and he was vlogging. He started out with the classic "Hey Danosaurs" and continued from there.

"Okay, whether or not you see this depends on Phil's reaction, but if you do end up seeing this, then I want you guys to know that Phil and I will be going out. I believe that you should know this, ya know, so yeah. Also-" There was a squeal, and a car came up onto the sidewalk, ramming Dan straight into the wall. The camera was positions on the ground so that I could see everything that was happening, and I saw Dan, on the ground, bleeding out. The same gaping wound that I saw when I saw him in the morgue was on his head, just a hell of a lot bloodier. I was going to be sick as I saw a drunken man come out of the car and carry him into the middle of the street. What was he thinking?! If he would have just called 999, then Dan could possibly live! The man left the view, but I could hear his wheel thumping on the cobble stone as he sped off. How could someone do that? Just hit them and run away like that! It was inhumane! I shook my head. The man is already locked up I reminded myself. That couldn't stop me from being annoyed.

After cooling down, I went and grabbed the box from underneath Dan's bed, grabbing the keys from off of the hook. I sat on the sofa, staring at the box for a few minutes. It was grey and made of metal, fitting in my palm. Who knew something so small could hold something so big, like, I don't know... my heart? And Dan's, along with essentially both of our lives. I finally opened the box, tenderly putting to the key into the lock, turning in until I heard a click. I opened the box, seeing one small note folded up with mine and Dan's name on the front. I unfolded it and read:

Dear Phil,

I like you a lot. I know you may not look at me the same after reading this, but I want you to know it. If you want me to move out, then I am okay with that. If you like me back, then please tell me. I don't really see any point of making this a very long letter, so I'll end it here.

Dan

I stared at the note. He was going to give this to me. Dan was going to tell me that he likes me. Daniel James Howell was going to tell people that he liked Philip Michael Lester. And one man killed my dreams, and the dreams of loads of Phan shippers. I wish he could have died instead of Dan.

I opened a word document quickly, typing something as fast as I could. I was going to go see my Dan again. I went to the cabinet, grabbing Dan's old sleeping pills. It said not to take two within an hour, so I grabbed six. I bit my lip, grabbing an extra two. In the end, I brought the entire bottle, sitting by the computer. I made sure to take the passcode off of the laptop, just so that if someone comes by and the computer has shut down, they won't be locked out and not know what the note said. I grabbed some water, taking as many of the sleeping as I could, one thought running through my head. I was going to go see my Dan again. I was going to go see my Dan again. I was going to go see my Dan again.

I got extremely tired, lying down on the ground, sleep capturing me for the final time. The silence was deafening.

To whom it may concern,

I just want to say thanks and good-bye. Thank you for making my life so worth-while. I love you all, mum, dad, Martin, Kayla. Even Simon! Goodbye. I'm going to be reunited with the boy that I love. Don't worry; I'll see you guys later. Probably sooner than you think. Please don't put your life on hold for my death or anything like that. This is good-bye.

Love Phil

They were finally together again.