Missing Your Chances (phan)

Chapter 3 {EDITED}

    I pressed play, fearing the worst. "Hey Phil! If you're watching this, then I have spontaneously died. I am going to be a little bit quick with this, because I don't really know what to say. Here I go! I want you to know that I look up to you, like the older brother I never had. This is my goodbye to you and you alone, because I love you, and I want to thank you for everything you've done. I never thought I would get so lucky to have a best friend like you, who cares about me and always cheered me up when I was down. Honestly, I always wished you were..." Dan trailed off a bit and coughed, then came back strong with his words. "Were a girl. Then we would fall in love, and live happily ever after." Dan motioned with his arms, like the world would guarantee a happy ending to anyone who looked. Yeah right, not even you got a happy ending, Dan.

"But, you did end up filling in holes I hadn't even realize I had in my life. I found how to truly be happy, with a real friend who will accept me for me, and loves me like a brother... Okay, now I'm just repeating myself. This is really getting sappy, so I'm going to wrap up soon. I also want you to give the videos to the people that they are addressed to. Most of them are pretty obvious, my mum and dad's video, yours, the one you post on my channel and my friends. The one that is addressed 'to whom that may concern' is also for you, but I want you to wait until at least a week after I die before you see it. I don't want everything to be at once, so space out the time that you see the videos. And finally, goodbye. Goodbye Philip Lester, the person I met through YouTube, and the person that I trust most. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't think it was. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. Bye."

I sat there, staring at the screen as Dan's video ended. Dan looked like he was about to cry for the second half, and I found tears running down my cheeks. I searched through the video, look for the part where he said he wished I was a girl. Would he have dated me if I had asked? Yet, Dan was the confident one, and he would be the one to ask, he would never be scared of rejection, he was too strong. Was the complication that he was straight? Or was it that he thought I was straight. I sighed calmly and closed Dan's laptop. He wouldn't like me that way; he was straight-very straight. I wish I had been born a girl just so Dan would have liked me, and I wouldn't have to deal with loathing myself for something I couldn't control. But yet, somehow, I felt like my being a guy was my fault.

I sighed and jumped onto the bed, face up. What would I do for the week that I had to wait for Dan's next video? I was going to respect his request, mostly because it was Dan's final request. But what would I do until then? Just sit around and wait? After that video, I didn't feel as protective of Dan's things and lifestyle as I was just a bit ago. Instead of going to bed like I usually would at around three in the morning, I decided to make a video. It was going to be more of a vlog, since I didn't really feel like editing the video. I took a quick shower and grabbed my camera, thinking about what I would say.

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I was going to tell them about Dan's death and make a tribute video. It was all I could really do, since Dan wasn't exactly here to give me inspiration or anything.

"Hello everyone. Today I'm going to have a change from my usual kind of video, because I want to tell you this as soon as possible. I don't really know how to say this, but earlier today, Dan..." I trailed off and looked down for a second. Once he felt I had regained myself, I looked up and said, "Dan died after he was hit by a drunk driver. I... I am making this video to remember him, and also to let you guys know that he will no longer be making YouTube videos- as you can imagine. There will be a link to a video that he made a while back, telling you something that he wanted you to know. I don't know what it is because I didn't watch the video before I posted it, but go ahead and watch it." I flicked some of my scratchy black hair out of my eyes, not really wanting to continue. This would be the part that I would recall memories from things Dan and I had done, and it was a scary thought. I saw a couple of drops fall onto my pajama bottoms, and I looked up, expecting a leak in the roof, but I found none. The droplets were actually coming from my eyes, but I didn't acknowledge them. I didn't care if everyone saw me cry, I had every right to cry. I wouldn't sob or anything like that, just let the tears fall silently. Dan would do the same. But did I want to be like him?

"Dan was a very nice person. He was violent at times, but didn't actually hurt anyone. Ever. He had a positive outlook on life, and he pretty much lived by the term 'whatever will be, will be.' So there were loads of things that he did that I would never have the courage to do. He was fairly smart, he was amazing at piano, and he would like people for who they are. He wasn't that bad in the way of looks, to be honest, and he was very kind. He was... perfect." I whipped away some of my tears.

'Don't sob. Just breath evenly, they understand. Just tell them what you thought...'

"I... I want to be honest with you all. I want to tell you guys the truth; tell you what I was never brave enough to tell Dan... I love Dan. I had a crush on Dan when I met him, and over time as I grew to like him more and more. Eventually I started to love him, and I realized it wasn't as a brother, the way he liked me. I love him as something more, though I knew I could never tell anyone." I turned my face from the camera, but continued to talk. "I don't care what other people think anymore, though. The only thing I regret is that I never told Dan. Even if he had rejected me, it would have been better than this in-between. Not knowing, it truly is the worst thing in the world, no matter what you may think. The worst part is..." I shook my head, not even knowing how tears could ever flow this fast. The little 'ocean children'- as Dan would call them whenever I was down- falling everywhere. "Never mind me. We are here in memory of danisnotonfire. For this, I want something huge to happen. I want you to put in the comments below something that will make everyone's head turn. I want something huge, that will make Dan be remembered for a long while. I will put together a team of YouTubers and we will try to override the system. He will be remembered! I will do everything in my power to make sure of it!"

I kept a serious face, trying not to smile. I was proud of that speech. I don't know what suddenly brought it up, but I liked the idea. We would honour Dan, and we would make him proud if he was watching us from where ever he was. I had a purpose!

A/N Thank you so much for reading this! As I was editing through it I realised that there was an entire section where it randomly switched from first person to third person and then back again so I'm sorry for that but it's all fixed now! 

Please don't forget to comment your thoughts and maybe even vote? Thanks -G x