Missing Your Chances (phan)

Chapter 9 {EDITED}

I started eating my bowl of cereal and used up the last of my milk.

I guess I had to go to the store. Maybe I could start cooking a bit again. I had gotten quite into cooking while Dan was still alive, but I hadn't done anything other than make cereal since he had died. Maybe I could take lessons! Then, maybe I would be able to have some kind of human interaction other than on the internet and talking to Kayla. I did Skype Chris and PJ occasionally, but since they live so far away now they haven't had a chance to visit in this long week, but wanted to visit as soon as they could.

I was pulled from wandering thoughts by the doorbell ringing. Who would be visiting me? I wasn't expecting Kayla, and I didn't know other people who would visit. Naturally, I went to go open the door, and I saw Kayla there, a huge grin on her face, which faltered when she saw my eyes red from crying and the two lions in my arms. She regained herself and said proudly, "Guess who I found?"

I blinked, a bit confused, but questioned, "Who?"

She replied to this by stepping to the side and showed someone very familiar.

It was my older brother, Martyn! Immediately I stepped forward and hugged him, my horribly emotional state making me want to cry happy tears, and I guess my eyes found a new watering hole, because a few little ocean children escaped. I quickly wiped them away, turning around in hopes that they wouldn't see how broken I really was. I was usually prepared for these things. Usually the smallest surprise made me break down, so I was glad that I wasn't sobbing. Lucky break I guess.

"Co-come in. It's a little bit of a mess, but go ahead and make yourselves at home." I stuttered. "Anyone want any tea? I'll be making some anyways," I heard my voice crack at the end and I awkwardly shuffled to the kitchen, the other two following. I bit my lip and told myself to suck it up and stop being such a baby yet tears still steadily streamed down my face, though I repeated what I did in the video I made after Dan had died, let them go while keeping a steady breath. I was careful when I was making the tea to not let any tears fall into the pot and I let it boil, trying to keep my back to them for as long as possible.

Martyn, knowing me too well, could tell what I was doing. "You can't keep your back turned on us for forever. You know that." Something about this made my blood boil. I practically became another person. No. I did become another person.

"Do I?! Do I know anything? Not too long ago I knew that Dan would live until he was old. Now I don't know anything for sure! Sow who are you to tell me otherwise?" The beast that was yelling at my brother, with my voice, had completely taken over my being. He picked up a coffee cup and threw it at Martyn, though his aim was off, like mine would be. It hit the wall with a loud clatter and I stormed out of the room, happy to have a hoodie and shoes on.

I went down the stairs and stepped outside. It was raining, just my luck. Why had Martyn come over just when things were getting better? Why couldn't people learn to stay away?

An entirely new wave of rage washed over me when I realized that it was Kayla that brought him here. The person that I trusted to not interfere, or try to push me in a direction that I didn't want to go. Martyn would tell me to stop being a baby and to stand tall. He did that when I was in school and was being bullied, not realizing that he had put me one step closer to suicide. I was just too much of a coward. I still am that coward, at one point I had a friend who made my life less depressing. Now I was back to rock bottom, and didn't have anything that I could do about it. I dug my nails into my palm, not even noticing the blood that stained my sleeve as I raised my arm and hit the wall of the apartment building. The one I had shared with Dan. The one where I had last seen Dan alive, where I had watched Dan walk out the door, both of us unknowing that it would be the last time.

After aimlessly wandering the familiar streets of London I finally decided to go back to the flat, hoping that the two would be gone. I wasn't in the mood to deal with those two. I wouldn't, I refused. I could see if they were still there, and if they were I could leave again, or make them leave. I wasn't going to take their 'help'. I wasn't going listen to what I was doing wrong. I wouldn't let them make it worse.

When I was at the door, I put my ear to it wanting to be prepared if they were there. At first it was silent, but then I heard Martyn say, "What will I do with the idiot? He's always causing problems!" It wasn't necessarily loud, and it was definitely laced with worry, but the words were like a punch in the gut. I knew that he wouldn't actually be very sympathetic, but I didn't know he would let anyone other than himself know.

I slammed the door open, my face red with anger. The other two immediately were next to me, but I just shook my head when they asked all the questions that you would expect. Where were you? Are you okay? What's wrong? I brushed all the questions off, quickly going to my room. I would wait there for them to leave, not matter how long it takes.