Missing Your Chances (phan)

Chapter 2 {EDITED}

     I wandered over to the lift to leave the morgue and went up. When I got to the top, I stormed straight outside, though I walked straight past the car.

Too many memories.

     I turned to the opposite direction of our- no- my flat. I walked without a direction in mind. I felt empty, sick, dizzy, angry, sad, everything was just dull. Usually the colours around me would pop, but right now it was all in black and white. Not even that, it was all just grey.

     No one mattered, I realized. I don't matter. Dan doesn't matter. We're all just little specks on this earth. Everything we have done or will do is pointless, and the world will move on no matter what. No one person will ever make a mark on this chunk of rock that floats through space. Everyone is useless, as is everything we do, so why bother?

     I looked up; I hadn't realized it was still raining. Pulling up my hood, I walked on.

     I took out my phone, a picture of me and Dan in Italy lit up as the cover. I grimaced and scrolled to Dan's mum's number. She needed to know about him. In fact, she was the only person who really needed to know because she could spread the word to the rest of his family. To think that her son had died... it was horrible, so I banished all feelings to the back of my mind and did what I knew I had to do. I dialed the number and put the phone up to my ear, waiting for her to answer.

     "Hello, Phil. What a pleasure for you to call! It's been a while; I hope Dan has been taking good care of you!"

    "Well, Mrs Howell, I have something horrible to tell you, and I just want to get it out fast. Dan died earlier today, and was found by the police. They believe that a drunk driver hit him." I rushed it all out, in the same monotone that the Detective used. There was a silence, and I waited for her to respond.

"Oh. Okay, Phil. I'll-I'll talk to you later." And with that she hung up.

I sighed, turning around, knowing I would have to face Dan's absence at some point. But why now? Why tonight? Why hadn't I... told him I love him? I sighed, and finally broke. Dan was gone, and there was nothing I could do about it. I backed up to the brick wall and slid down. I cried for what may have hours or minutes, though it really didn't matter. I didn't have anyone waiting for me. No one cared for Phil, they all cared about Dan. I was always 'Phil, Dan's best friend,' but I had found ways to come to terms with this, and I didn't mind it. Besides, it gave me a place, people around me, and a purpose. I could be myself around Dan, but I couldn't really say the same about my other friends. I wasn't really me without Dan.

I stood up and returned in the direction I came from, going to the car. I remembered when Dan insisted we played red-light-green-light with the car, stopping at random places in the road. I shook my head and got into the vehicle, memories being my worst enemy.

The ride home was long and the silence deafening. I pulled into our spot, and went up the 17 flights of stairs. I didn't want to be in the lift, though I didn't have an actual reason not to. When I was right in front of the door, and had the key in my hand, I didn't open it. I had no urge to be in there.

I sat in front of the door, and just stared off into space. Who cared what I did? No one did, not really. Dan would care if I sat in front of the flat and he would drag me inside.

Eventually I stepped inside, immediately regretting it. There were memories everywhere. I hadn't really quite realized how close Dan and I had become up until this point- there wasn't a single thing that I could exactly pinpoint as mine. Everything that I owned, Dan owned as well. How could I live here when everything I saw held a different memory of Dan?

I sat on the couch, watching the storm like Dan would've. I think I finally understood what Dan loved about it, it was interesting. The entire world would light up for a millisecond, and then plunge back into darkness, making us pay attention so we didn't miss anything. I watched until the clouds rolled away, until the night sky shone through and the moon was clearly visible.

I found that I had been watching for three hours! It was ten-fifteen, and I had nothing to do. Dan wasn't there, and we'd usually play a videogame or something. I grabbed the controller for the X-box and turned it on. Skyrim was still in from when Dan was playing earlier, so I decided to play it. I'd never really gotten into that kind of game before, but I might as well try it.

I put it on and started a new game, overriding Dan's old one. I actually got into the game quite a bit and at around twelve-thirty I decided to turn it off.

I was hungry and decided to have some cereal. I got a cup and a teaspoon and ate it from those. Maybe I was becoming like Dan, I thought, though it was a possibility. I didn't really see anything wrong with becoming like Dan, I love him a lot. I shrugged and grabbed a Guitar Hero controller. I put in the disk and started it up. I played for a couple of hours, and at around two-forty-five I shut the game down.

After getting ready for bed, I went on my laptop for a while, and decided to sleep in Dan's room. In a way it was a little weird, because not very long ago I wouldn't even go into the house, and then I'm very embracive of all of Dan's possesions.

When I saw a link to one of Dan's videos, I remembered his 'Last Video.' He had made it a while ago for if he died before me, and it was to let all his fans know that he had died and last things he thought they should know. I had been given the job of posting it for him.

I grabbed his computer from the bean bag on the floor and opened it up. I typed in his password and searched through all of his videos when I came to a folder that was titled 'When I die.' I clicked on it and saw several videos, all addressed to people. There was 'to mum & dad,' 'to Danosaurs,' 'to my friends,' 'to whom it may concern,' and finally, 'To Phil.'

I emailed Dan's parents their video and posted the video for the fans without even looking at them. They weren't for me, so I had no reason to watch them. I didn't know who the 'to whom that may concern' could possibly be to, and the one that said 'to my friends' should technically be for me, but I also had an entire video dedicated to me. I decided just to watch the video to me, though I was a little afraid of what it would say. Had he known about my crush on him, but ignored it because he really didn't like me that way? Or had he liked me too, but wasted his time worrying about me not feeling the same. I had no idea which would hurt more; I would hate myself if it was either option.

I pressed play anyway, blocking out my thoughts.

A/N thank you so much for reading this chapter, I hope you liked it! Please don't forget to leave a comment and maybe vote? Thanks:) -G x