Missing Your Chances (phan)

Chapter 7 {EDITED}

We went through two hours of answering questions; most of them were pretty average and nothing all that interesting. It was pretty fun, but I felt like something was missing.

Dan.

I missed how we used to answer questions about how our relationship was definitely not real and how we were just friends. Wow. We were both lying that whole time! I was so stupid to let the best thing in my life slip by, too. I am such an idiot. I shouldn't have played it safe; I should have risked it so that I could have something that would have made my life literal heaven. But no, I didn't, and I got stuck in literal hell. Idiot.

"Phil?" Kayla said, snapping me from my thoughts. "Are you okay with answering this question, or do you want a different one. I probably shouldn't have picked this one, should have asked you first, to see if it was okay." She was mumbling to herself now so I quickly glanced at the question. 'Phil, when will the revolution be over? When will you feel that Dan has made a big enough mark that you could finally leave it alone?'. It wasn't that bad, I could try to answer it, despite really not knowing the answer.

"It's fine, Kayla. I just zoned out for a second." I turned back to the webcam, plastering on a small fake smile. "I actually don't know when I will stop working on the revolution, but I hope that it will last longer than I will. Who knows, maybe we might actually make a small mark on this earth, if all of us 'little people' work together to create one 'larger figure' we can create the picture that we want everyone to see of us, showing people the way we do things. We can show that we aren't just mindless kids that can't make a difference, and remind the world that we will be in power one day. Show them that we can handle it, and won't just become copies of them. That we won't mess it up." I did a quick hair flip, barely noticing, and then continued, "Though, I don't know how much of a mark we can make, since we only have the internet, but it'll be pretty large if we get enough people."

The comments section on the right side had loads of things that were saying: 'Wow, nice speech.' 'So inspirational.' 'I loved it.' I scrolled past those, looking for an actual question. I found one that said, 'I loved your hair flip, can you do it again?' I read it out loud, half-laughing while I did so. I put my hair into my eyes, and then flipped it, while Kayla cracked up.

We were both laughing and I saw that five more minutes were added just for me doing that. We could do this all day with these awesome fans.

"Okay, now you guy should send us some more actual questions. We can't just watch Phil flip his hair all day." Kayla said, slightly out of breath from laughing so hard.

I was lying on the floor, and I just read the next question without checking what it was before I looked. "Hey Phil, where is Dan?" I adjusted my glasses, and said calmly, "Well, since you've clearly haven't been alive for like, all these three days of my video spree, in which I've made a total of 5 videos, Dan is up in heaven because God decided that he gave away too much awesomeness when he put both Dan and I here. So he took him back!" I smiled, and Kayla looked at me, beaming. I guess I wasn't as deeply burrowed into myself as before. It was time to tell them that the person who hit Dan was in jail.

"Good news, on this subject. The person who hit Dan was arrested, though I don't know who it was, the police do." I said, still not fully sitting up. I was moving my head around randomly while I said this, and when I was done, I flicked my hair out of my eyes out of habit.

"Seriously? Can't you go two seconds without flipping your hair?" Kayla says, throwing a pillow at me, which caused me to fall.

"I didn't mean to! It just happens!" I whined, sticking my tongue out.

"That was she said!"

Once we were done laughing again, I looked up to find another question, and it went on like that until it was time for us to get off of YouNow and eat dinner so Kayla could go home. That night I actually slept for more than three hours, falling asleep at around eleven. I woke at around eleven, too, so I think I got pretty stocked up on the sleep that I had missed. The next day went by pretty normally- I made yet another video for The Revolution, and the three days after that went the same. I made a total of four videos. Not bad if you asked me.

It had been one week since Dan had died, and I was finally allowed to watch the other video that Dan had made me. I was near tears with excitement.

The past week had been awful. I couldn't count how many times I had walked into rooms expecting to have a conversation with Dan to be met with empty chairs. Nothing could compare to the grief I felt when that happened. Inescapable pain surrounded me wherever I went. Dan dying was like a bullet to the chest but the period of time after, the adjustment, it's like a bad infection that you can't fight off. Torture.

As soon as I woke I grabbed Dan's laptop, not even bothering to get out of bed as it had strategically been placed close enough for me to grab for this moment. I logged on and found the folder labelled 'When I die.' I clicked on it, going to the 'to whom it may concern' video. I waited for it to load, everything going too slow. I had been waiting for this all week, and now as I sat here butterflies ate away at my stomach. Finally, it started, I stared at it intently. There was Dan in a park wearing his red hoodie and black skinny jeans. He was sitting on a tire swing, and it must have been the middle of the day while school was in, because there weren't any children around.

"Hey Phil. It has been about a week since I have died, I believe, and I have a feeling you've seen the video that I've made for the Danosaurs. Well, this video is pretty much me telling you what I told them. It wasn't all a scam, or anything like that, and if you haven't seen that video then I am going to tell you what I said in it. I pretty much said that I am in love with you and that when I first met you I had a crush on you, but over time it grew. I don't know whether you feel the same, but I really wanted to be honest. I actually spent days working on this one video, trying to say it right, but there's no way for me to do it. No matter how hard I try I can't say this so that it feels like you would like it and understand how I'm feeling without being creeped out... but this will have to do. I want to tell you that I have a video diary with pretty much every secret that I have ever kept from you, and that is in a password-protected folder, the password being cheese. Don't give me that look! Would you ever have been able to guess that? I didn't think so." He laughed, shaking his head, and then got serious. "But I'm sorry if you hate me for liking you. Or if you like me back, but we were both too scared to tell. If you don't like the idea of me liking you, then you probably won't like the video diaries, so... sorry about that." Dan looked a little sad and he looked down, messing with his fingers.

I wanted to reach out and tell him that there was nothing to worry about, and that I loved him too. I wanted to ruffle him hair and cradle his head in my arms, apologizing that I hadn't told him. The thought that Dan feared that I could hate him physically hurt; I just needed to hold him and reassure him that everything would be okay. But he wasn't alive any more and I had to deal with that. I officially hate the bloke who hit him!