The Worth of a Coin (BxB)

Chapter 45

-Ruarc Brennan-

I didn't want Quan to do what he was doing, but that seemed to be my catchphrase since I began this new job. I didn't approve of anything that he did when it came to his powers, because I had seen the toll it took on his health. I knew that Candice wouldn't be against him doing this at all, in fact she exploited it on the daily for the police investigations. I knew Quan saw no harm in it, which worried me even more.

"Do you think that you'll be able to make a connection?" I asked Quan quietly as I sat on his bed. He was getting changed out of his turtleneck and smart trousers, swapping it for a lighter jumper and a pair of plaid pyjama trousers. I knew he didn't mind me being there, he wasn't exactly shy. I'd seen all of that before, but his scars made my stomach grow cold and feel like a rock had formed in my abdomen.

"I'm going to try," Quan said. He'd repeated that phrase over and over again, probably thinking that I couldn't hear him. But I could, and I knew Kenji had heard it as well. "I have built up so much anger over ten years towards my mother for what she'd done, I feel like I'm just now realising that she just did what so many others couldn't do. She escaped my father, alive. She might've left me, but I really couldn't blame her for any of that now." He was being honest, and it made me feel a little special that he was actually telling me his genuine thoughts and emotions instead of hiding away behind a mask.

"I understand." I nodded my head, even though I wasn't sure I did. I could sympathise but I don't think I'd ever be able to understand. My parents died of old age, I watched them live their lives from far away, never getting the chance to see them after I was turned into a vampire. That would cause a whole bunch of complications, and so I just watched them grow old.

I suppose that's another reason why I wasn't completely stopping Quan from helping his mother. He had a small chance of building that relationship back up. I didn't know if Quan would take the chance or not. If he'd rescue his mother and then simply say goodbye to her like nothing actually happened.

"Ruarc?" Quan snapped me out of my thoughts with his voice. He'd moved so that he was standing beside me, a hand resting gently on my shoulder. "Are you alright?"

I cleared my throat and nodded my head. "Just thinking," I answered. I was going to leave it at that, but I wanted Quan to know that I trusted him as much as he was trusting me. "I was just thinking of my parents, the last time we interacted." I took a deep breath and tried to offer a small smile. "I'm alright, I've had time to go over it."

Quan bit his lip before chuckling and shaking his head. "I don't believe you." He sat on the bed beside me and took one of my hands, putting it on his lap and tracing the scars on the skin. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I moved my other hand to cover Quan's, pressing it down and holding his hand in mine. "I just wish that I could've said goodbye to them before I left," I admitted with a small sigh and a shake of my head. "Or before they died. I don't really know what I would've preferred. Maybe..." I trailed off and took a deep breath, gathering my throat. "I think I would've liked for them to know that I was a vampire. I think I might've wanted them to know that I was still alive and the circumstances of my disappearance." It was something I tried not to think about, for the sake of my sanity. I really didn't like thinking of scenarios which could've happened instead of reality.

"Would that have given you some closure?" Quan asked in a gentle voice, something I hadn't heard much of since we'd met. "I could try and-"

"No," I interrupted him with a firm voice. "Quan, you're doing too much. I don't care if it'll give me closure. I don't care if it means I get a little bit of joy at the moment. I don't need it and you need to keep your strength, okay? You need to be at your strongest to face our father, or to return your mother's soulmate back to her. I am not your top priority."