Love Persist

Kabanata 33 - To have a great liking for transcends the need for apologies.

To: Ikee Dy

Sorry kung ngayon lang ako nagreply, medyo occupied lang ako these days. By the way, let's meet up later at 5 pm at the cafe near the university.

Binalik ko na sa loob ng bag ko ang cell phone ko at saka naupo ng maayos. I finally decided to see Ikee after ng ilang days of not meeting each other. Throughout those days, walang araw na hindi niya ako nirereach out if I was available, so that makapag-usap na kami. Ngayon nga, nagpasya akong makipagkita sa kaniya pagkatapos kong sabihin sa mga kaibigan ko noong Biyernes na kakausapin ko si Ikee.

Napag-isip-isip ko na there was no point of running away kasi wala naman akong kasalanan at nagmumukha lang tuloy akong hypocrite sa ginagawa ko. Natuto na ako sa ginawa ko kay Professor Gil. When I purposefully ignored her due to my ignorance and immaturity, I was completely unprepared for the ensuing consequences and the karma that eventually came to haunt me. I lied to save my face because I was scared to be honest with myself. Lahat ng mga nangyari ay dahil sa nagsinungaling ako sa kaniya. Iyong kasinungalingan din iyon ang hindi nagpatulog sa akin gabi-gabi, sapagkat bagaman sinabi ko sa kaniya na pinagsisisihan ko ang ginawa ko 'yong kiss namin, sa kalooban ko I knew na I enjoyed it.

Mabuti na lang nakausap ko si Papa one night, at it was the first time after many years na nag-usap kami na kami lang dalawa. Napansin niya na palagi lang akong tulala at parang malaki ang problema na dinadala. Akala niya I was not happy sa pagbabalik niya, so I found myself opening up to him about sa nararamdaman kong guilt. But he didn't know na si Professor Gil 'yong person behind all of it. He encouraged me to be true sa nararamdaman ko because it was the only way para ma-understand ko ang sarili ko. He even said that there was no good in lying. The truth always prevails, while lies are devoid of substance.

I knew that I could just forget it at hayaan na lang ang nangyari, but I couldn't. Ang hindi nagpapatahimik sa kaluluwa ko ay kung paano tinugunan ni Professor Gil 'yong advances ko. Did she like it as much as I did? It gave me hope that, perhaps, my feelings would not be in vain after all.

Napatitig ako sa suot kong bracelet. Napangiti ako dahil sa tuwing nagkikita kami ni Professor Gil she always wore the bracelet at kinikilig ako kasi matchy kami. Ang totoo, I was really nervous no'ng time na binigay ko sa kaniya ang bracelet, because I thought na she would reject it and get angry with me. I thanked God in my prayers that she ended up liking it. It was one of the happiest Christmas Eves I ever experienced. I wanted to believe we were good that time, like we had patched things up and she didn't have a vendetta against me or anything.

I kind of confessed to her that night. I knew na she already had a suspicion about sa nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. I didn't straight up spill my heart out to her as I was so not prepared for that, and it was way too soon. She didn't exactly give me a sign or response para malaman ko whether it was fine na ipagpatuloy ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. I wondered kung kailan ulit kami mag-uusap nang sa gano'n ay macontinue namin 'yong conversation namin that night. Kung hindi dahil kay Mama (who crashed our sweet moment when she yelled out that food was ready, and Ceci just straight up bailed after we said "Merry Christmas!" exactly at 12:00 a.m.), hindi sana nasira 'yong moment namin sa kuwarto. I was planning pa naman to continue our conversation na naudlot sa loob ng car. Ano kaya ang sasabihin niya, or kung whether she would acknowledge my feelings sa kaniya?

Never mind that thought for now. Ang importante ay we were finally back sa pagiging normal. I pinky swore to never pull another stupid stunt like that again and spare her the agony of my stubborn, trouble-starting behavior. Hindi na magaganap ang hindi dapat maganap.

"So there'll be changes in our schedule again?"

"Yup. Professor Gil's class will be held in the evening instead of the usual afternoon session starting this Wednesday."