Love Persist

Kabanata 25 - Release yourself from the shackles of your masquerade.

The night was still young, with the bustling activity of people and vehicles outside. It looked like everyone was in a hurry to get home to be with their loved ones or grab last-minute supplies for their Noche Buena feast. Tonight, I convinced myself that I deserved a treat, even if it was just a tiny bit. It wouldn't hurt to give myself a moment of respite from the recent challenges I've been dealing with and fully embrace the true essence of Christmas by allowing myself to enjoy the festivities associated with this special time of year. I imagined God might not be too pleased if I failed to acknowledge and celebrate His day. Knowing that I had already let down my family by not joining them, I didn't want to take the chance of being forsaken by God solely for the same reason. Hence, I decided that I should still celebrate, even though I couldn't be with my family. My choice ultimately led me to my current situation: riding in the car with Heaven on our way to her house, where her parents were waiting for us.

Glancing at the passenger side, Heaven sat silently. If Javi ever found out that I willingly let Heaven sit in the passenger seat, the very seat he always aimed for but I consistently ousted him from, he would certainly subject me to a rigorous trial-like interrogation. I noticed Heaven's quiet demeanor since she got in. Her silence was not indicative of a tranquil state of mind but rather whispered that she had a plethora of thoughts waiting to be voiced. For some unknown reason, she seemed to be holding back, almost as if she were awaiting a cue from me to initiate conversation.

"Do you want me to turn off the AC?" I asked.

She glanced at me but quickly averted her gaze upon realizing that I was looking at her. "Ikaw po bahala, 'di naman ako nilalamig or what."

"I'll just let it be as it is, then."

Silence engulfed us as I respected her need for peace and assumed she had personal thoughts she needed to process without interruption. But she proved me wrong, as it hadn't been long since our silence fell upon us before she spoke once more.

"Are you mad at me, Ceci?" Her voice sounded tiny and delicate; it almost resembled the chirping of a bird.

Her words came to materialize slowly in my brain until I was able to process them. I raised an eyebrow and shot her a puzzled glance, genuinely surprised by what she had just asked. "What makes you think that I am mad at you?"

She pouted, sinking herself in her seat and displaying a visible dejection, even though she had not received a definite answer yet. "I've noticed that you haven't been looking at me as much as before." Every word flowed effortlessly from her mouth as if she had been holding onto those words for a while and was finally ready to share them with me. "Is it because you've been avoiding me?"

I now had a clear understanding of the thoughts that were occupying her mind. She believed that I was avoiding her, when in reality it was she who avoided me for two weeks following the incident we had at the villa. I was completely unaware of how she concluded that I was avoiding her, but I supposed there might have been some truth to it (around 20 percent). However, I must clarify that it was a responsible decision on my part to create some distance as a means of restoring the boundaries that were shattered due to an act that affected both of us.

"I can't think of any valid reason for feeling that way," I said, automatically decreasing my speed as we approached the pedestrian crossing to ensure the safety of a family crossing the road. "From the way you are questioning me, it seems like you feel responsible for something that has upset me. Do you think it's my place to ask you about the reasons behind it?" I then took a turn to reach the street where her house was situated.

"I thought na galit ka sa'kin after our convo last time. To be honest with you, naiisip ko 'lagi ang mga sinabi ko that night, and I realized na I was being inconsiderate and selfish. I think you deserve to hear more than what I've already told you, and nagsisisi ako because I wasn't able to provide that to you because of my reservations and immaturity in handling the situation. It's not that I'm blaming you for why I'm feeling this way. I feel so really bad... sa t'wing tumitingin ako sa'yo, you don't spare me a single glance. It makes me feel so awful because I am the reason why it happened."