"The scrawny homosexuals and their alphas"

♤Cartman x Emo Kfc♤ (request)

Okay... so it's been awhile... so? I've ghosted this app for awhile and hopefully I can get back into it and do all the things I've oh so desperately been wanting to write about; satire, one-shots and stories that would enhance my writing skill!

Here's the requested story I received a long time ago, my apologies btw for it taking so long to been done! :'[
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!!!Tw: Mentioned self Harm, Drinking, Suicide attempt, depression and really sensitive topics!!!

Emo Kfc's POV:

....why am I here? There's nothing worth living for at this point, vegans hate me, chickens hate me, nutritionist hate me, people on diets hate me even if they are tempted to try me and even the goth kids hate me! They say I'm not one of them... that I'm emo... I guess it's true that I am a worthless bucket of Kentucky fried chicken...

I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore... my wig got a severe infestation of lice awhile back and now my artificial hair is encrusted with the tiny, dead bugs...!

Sighs I have this weird urge to be used, to be consumed, to be wanted and adored! But from the start nobody wanted me... I overheard them saying that I have a fried chicken head in my closed walls I call a bucket, but why does that matter??? They'll eat chicken feet, livers, hearts, wings, thighs and fucking breast for crying out loud but they all gag at the sight of a head?!

It's ridiculous...! I can't do it anymore-! I'm so sick of this cruel and hopeless cycle of life, my only way out is the trashcan!
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3rd person POV:

The depressed bucket of Kfc has attempted other ways of "ending it all" but none worked. Slashed wrists? Pfft-! What wrists?! Hanging? How could that be done without hands?! The poor thing could only have the expression of pleased old man with a white beard and glasses.

So when it was waiting in desperation for a employee to toss it out and three boys entered the restaurant, it's life completely changed.

It was love at first sight.

As soon as Emo Kfc laid eyes on the husky male with the eyes of a pool filled with chocolate milk and the brightly colored attire he wore, it's meat instantly stood up but then it realized it was just a chicken leg instead.

Cartman had been told by his broke bestfriend that at the restaurant he got a job at had this wig wearing Kfc that was gonna be thrown out eventually, but Kenny had begged his manager to let him save it for his friend who he knew would eat absolutely anything - even his underwear - so when Cartman saw the golden, crispy looking skin, a glance of its smooth, pure white flesh and the sexy wig. He thought he was looking at a dish made by the likes of Gordon Ramsey!
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Cartman's POV:

My day had gotten off to a bad start per usual, thanks to Tolkien and his stupid black ass having parties every weekend it seems like, I got totally wasted last night and accidentally kissed Butters!

Like what the fuck-

Then Kenny whooped my ass because he said I kissed his bestfriend without any consent, even though he seemed to totally like it and I was clearly intoxicated!

Damnit...

After I explained what really happened though Kenny promised me a heavenly bucket of fried chicken, so I GUESS it's alright. Besides I'll just steal his life savings that he hides underneath his musty, crusty and dirty mattress he considers a bed. I can totally buy myself a three pack deal of gum with those 3.00$ and four dimes!

I even forced- I mean convinced my "darling" friends, Stan and Kyle to tag along with me as I went to the restaurant, definitely not because I wanted to eat this promised meal in front of them...!

Okay maybe I did, but that stupid jew deserves it because erm... um... well he just does alright! For being Jewish, jinger and from New Jersey! I am aware that he's actually a day walker and was born in this shitty small mountain town but uh... he's still Jewish so who cares!? Besides Stan can't ever get his dick out of Kyle's ass, so I had to convince both of them to come along. Oh well at least I'll be able to eat in front of two people~

....

Or atleast that's what I thought until I saw it... the most beautiful, sexy and delicious looking bucket of Kentucky fried chicken I ever laid my eyes on.

I don't know what came over me but I instantly made my way over to it and lifted it up I my strong arms (he's actually all flab, no ab).

I whispered seductively into it's ear, "may I~?"

I didn't need to wait for a response because our lips suddenly crashed together and we intensely made out. I can remember exactly what happened after I made out with the Kfc while running my fingers through it's strangely crunchy and greasy hair.

I ditched Stan and Kyle who were probably going to order something and eat out anyway (they documented what happened then tried to move on with their lunch plans by changing it to a very "platonic" date instead of a get together between three friends) and then I took my newly found lover home with me.

I took Chef's advice and laid out my angelic partner down by the fireplace in a candle lit room where we made sweet love until the late afternoon. It eventually opened up about some things and it kept going on and on about how I saved it's life and brought meaning to it's existence, but I guess I got bored.

When I get bored, I get hungry. . .

I couldn't hold back any longer and brutally ate every bit of it's insides, it wasn't a romantic and intimate eating out, it was that of a cannibalistic murder. But they were only a bucket of glorious chicken and that's what they wanted right?

After the love of my life was gone though... I never felt the same... sighs

¤(In loving memory of Chef)¤

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1050 words~ 02/10/24

I'm back my pookies~ ♡