A little bit of everything

Little monster

13/02/2024 00:30

I sometimes feel as if I'm living life through someone else's body. Seeing things through someone else's eyes. I wonder what sort of person I am, how I can know where right and wrong lie and decide to choose wrong. I wonder how anyone could love me. I guess they're not actually seeing all of me. I guess they only love the parts I let them see. The parts I'm not afraid to show. The parts that I might actually like about myself. I don't show them the little monster.

Throughout all of my life, I have always felt as if there was another person living inside of me. I have always described her as the bug. The little monster. No matter what I was doing, or where I was, I felt her in the back of my mind, willing me to make the wrong decision. Judging me, making me feel as if I was never good enough and putting images in my head to make me doubt myself. I have always felt that, no matter what good I did or thought, she was always trying to sabotage me. Just a loud voice shoving me in the wrong direction at every single point in my life. Sometimes she wins; every time I lose. 

I feel shame. Whenever I feel her showing up, wanting me to go in a certain direction, to give into temptation or follow the wrong path, I feel ashamed. But that shame does not even come close to how incredibly awful I feel when I suddenly can't hear her. When I can't make out what she wants me to do or what she's trying to say. When that happens, it usually means that I'm doing exactly what the little monster would want me to do. It means that I have given in or that I have made the wrong choice voluntarily, and suddenly I feel like anything but myself, I feel numb. 

I start to doubt myself when that happens. I start to question whether I am actually a good person or not. I start to think that perhaps there never was a little monster. Perhaps it was always me, in the background, screaming, begging to take over and give in. But some part of myself that wants the charade to continue won't let me. Some part of myself that wants to keep people believing that what they see is all there is to me. I feel like I am constantly lying to everyone around me. How have they not caught up? How are they still falling for it?

Each year that goes by, I wonder how people can still be on my side. I wonder how, after all the shit I've pulled, people still want to be close to me. How they trust me. Why do they trust me? What have I done to deserve it? I feel like I've been pulling the largest heist in the word. I feel like someday I'm going to wake up and it's all going to come crumbling down. I can hear her. I can feel her, somewhere deep inside, begging me to fuck it all up. I can hear her screaming at me, telling me that I'm weak and that I should just be selfish and do whatever the hell it is that makes me feel good in that moment. She won't leave me alone. It's almost never quiet in my head. 

I say almost because, as I said before, there is a time when it is quiet. But it's always when she's satisfied with what I'm doing. It's always when she's won. And then I'm feeling terrible with myself all over again. I feel like it's a never ending battle. I feel like there is nothing I can do but live with the dark cloud inside of me and pray every single day that the small ball of light next to it will keep winning. At least for appearances sake. At least so that I don't end up alone. She always wants me to end up alone. She always hopes I fuck things up so that I have no one left. I fear that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, she's actually going to get her wish. 

I'm afraid that my little monster is going to eat my ball of light. I'm afraid that, sooner than later, my little monster is all that I'm going to have left.  I'm afraid I'm going to become my little monster. I'm afraid I've done so already.