A little bit of everything

At times

19:22, 01/10/2018

At times I wonder if he still misses me. I might be walking down the streets on a random Monday afternoon and I will wonder if he still thinks about me, about what we were, about what we could've been. I wonder if he feels this longing that I sometimes feel, if he, like me, misses something that never even existed. I think about our four years of relationship, how we were never really together but we were never apart either. I think about how scared I was, how I never allowed myself to be fully open to him, how I never gave us an actual chance. At times I wonder about what could have been. I sit by myself and think that maybe, if I had given him a chance, things might have worked out between us. We might even still be together. But then again, I don't know if I actually want that. I think about how young we were, about how right I was to be scared. I had no idea about what I wanted, I had incredibly low self-esteem. It was not the right moment for us to be together. And so, the years pass, and I slowly begin to understand the woman that I am and who it is that I want to become and what exactly I want from a man, from a relationship. Truth is, he is not that man. He never was. I sometimes wonder if all that I've ever loved about him were ideas. Whether what I was supposedly in love with was real or if I was just imagining it in my head. I wonder if my idea of him is accurate or fake. It makes no sense to me; we were toxic. Oh so toxic. There was fighting, jealousy, lack of trust, and games. So so many games. And so much flirting. I have never enjoyed the game with anyone as much as I used to enjoy it with him. No one knew how to press my buttons as well as he did. He was able to get any reaction that he wanted out of me and how dangerous that was. But it was alright, because I knew how to play with his head too. Maybe even better than him. At times I wonder if we might ever be together again. It's weird because, I think we are a super complicated mix but, every time I try to picture myself in ten, twenty years, married to someone... it is always to him. There is no one else that I picture myself with and that makes no sense to me. I haven't been with him in years. He's changed, I've changed. We would need to get to know each other all over again because we are not the same 16-year-old kids that used to text each other after school. We are not the same 17-year-olds that rediscovered each other, fell in love, and hurt each other like no one ever had. We are not the same 18-year-olds, filled with hate, lust and regret that played with each other's feelings like we used to. And we are definitely not the same 19-year-olds that didn't even look at each other in an attempt to hide what they were feeling. That's not us. These actions do not define us because they were based on pride, on jealousy, on pain and on misguided love. We have so much to learn from each other if we ever want to be together again. At times I hope that he remembers the good times. I hope that when he remembers me, he doesn't think about the bad, but about the good. At times I just want to forget everything and let all this sexual tension between us take the better of both of us. I wish we could let go. There has been something building up between the two of us for years and I don't know how much longer we could hold it in. At times I wish I could just talk to him. I wonder if he misses our conversations and if he also wishes that we could just meet for coffee and sit together. He used to be one of the only people that I could really talk to without feeling judged. With him, I could be an open book and I miss that. At times I hope that he misses that as well. I hope that he looks at his life and wonders what it would look like with me in it. I wish that he thinks about all the things he would tell me if he could. It is a weird feeling, that of wanting something that you don't even know, that you've never seen and don't even know if it could happen. This longing of something I have never really had. This feeling of missing a person that probably doesn't exist. Because it's like I said before, the idea of him that I have in my head is probably not the reality. He is most certainly not the person that I think he is, and I am not the person that he thinks I am. But the love is there. The caring is there. And at times I wonder if that could be enough to keep us together. I don't know. I don't know. I could spend days, weeks, maybe even months not giving him a second thought. But then, there are times when something specific happens. When something reminds me of him and that longing comes. Like a wave. Rocking me from side to side. My mind drifts away from me and suddenly I'm somewhere else. It's a different time and place, we can be together and nothing else matters. But then that's gone, and he is there and I'm here and we are practically strangers. At times I wish I knew what he thinks of me. I wish I could go into his head and attempt to understand what is going on between us. But I can't, and I probably will never figure us out. At times, I'm alone in the train listening to music, thinking about him and I want him to be thinking about me. I look at my phone expecting him to text me, but he never does. And I know he never will. But really, it never hurts to dream sometimes. So I dream about him dreaming about me and life goes on the way it is supposed to.