A little bit of everything

Forgotten people

16:33, 06/05/2019

I feel like one of the things that depress me the most are people who I used to know really well and who are now strangers to me. In my almost 21 years of life, I have gotten to  know so many people that I barely think about anymore. I have known people to their core, talked to them every single day; heck, I've been in love with so many guys. And, such a day like today, I don't even recognize them. How sad it is, to lose a person that way. 

Perhaps you had a best friend who you had a fight with and never spoke to again; perhaps you knew someone who moved away and you lost contact with; perhaps you were in love but it wasn't meant to be; either way, there was this person who used to be a part of your life and now you don't even know. Someone you haven't talked to in months and who's lives you have no clue about. So you stop and wonder if it was your fault. You wonder if you could have done anything differently to avoid the inevitable distance that keeps you from that person. You wonder if this was actually how it was supposed to end. If all those people that you loved were not meant to be loved by you. Sometimes, some people are just not meant to be a part of your life, no matter how much it hurts. 

But then I see that person across the room, that one person who I used to know better even than myself and trusted with my life, that one person that I loved, and I realize that that person is a stranger to me. They have new friends and a new life, they've moved on; as have I. I haven't thought about that person in days, weeks, maybe even months and, as I now realize what has been lost, I feel nostalgic. Nostalgic for the person that I was when that person was in my life. Nostalgic for the feelings that I had and of the relationship that we shared. I wonder if I miss the person or just the old times and I feel conflicted. 

Is losing a person over time sad because of the person that was lost or because of the old times that we miss and remember so fondly? Does it hurt to see that person because I regret that it ended or because I'm afraid to move forward? I honestly believe that having to see a person you once loved become a complete stranger is one of the worst types of pain. It's a feeling of wanting to reach out to something that is so close but then farther than anything else. My heart breaks every time that I think of certain people who are strangers to me now. And then again, I'm happy about others. 

I've obviously grown throughout the years and there are a few of those people, people that I once cared for and are now out of my life, that I do not miss. As I said, some people aren't meant to be a part of your life, and as you grow, you learn to see who belongs by your side and who doesn't. I'm proud of who I am and of the path that I've had to take to get to where I am, I am proud of everything that I've learned from my mistakes. I look forward to what life has waiting for me, as any other, but it is very hard letting go of the past. And fear of what is yet to come drives me to remember the past and what I've lost.

I can get over and forget the loss of everyone that is already gone from my life; but I am so scared to keep losing people. I think of the years to come and  deeply fear if my current friendships will be able to keep up with me. I cannot imagine losing any of the people who are so close to me right now; but then again I guess I never did and I ended up losing them anyways. 

These thoughts haunt me and I guess I will forever wonder and worry that I am the cause of people leaving my side. Call them insecurities, call it being irrational, call it being self-centered. But the point is that I will never be able to accept losing a person just because they weren't meant to be a part of my life anymore. I will always wonder what I could've changed, what I could've said or done not to lose that person. I guess it's just an inevitable quality of humans, thinking that everything that happens around them is directly related to them. We are self-centered by nature and if someone hurts me, for whichever reason, I will always end up thinking that it was my fault. Even if that person just chose to leave because of their own selfish reasons. We crave attention and belonging more than any other thing, and these kind of attacks to our self-esteem and person affect us in ways that we can't explain.

So you might lose a friend some time, and suffer because you lost that person on the outside, but the big problem is the self doubt that it will eventually bring about, what you will have to suffer in the inside. I doubt myself constantly due to all the people that I have lost and that both frightens and empowers me to keep that from happening again.