A little bit of everything

Single

18:29, 04/03/2018

For the first time in years, I am officially alone. Not alone as in "I have no one", but alone in the sense that I am not hung up on a guy, or in a relationship, or spending my time worrying  about a guy. I've been saying for years that I love being single, but I've haven't actually been single. There was always someone on my mind, someone that, even though I didn't want to commit  to anything or be with them officially, was more special than others. I've spent the last 2-3 years very lost. I didn't know what I was doing or the reasons behind all the shit that I was pulling. I didn't understand why I was so afraid of commitment or why I needed so many guys' attention to feel better about myself. I know all of that now. When I was younger, I had a lot of problems because I didn't like myself enough. I had very low self-esteem, and I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin at all. I found a "great" way to make myself feel better was through having boys' attention. I figured that, if a guy liked me, it must have been because I was pretty or funny or I was doing something right at least. So I took on this habit of flirting with every singe guy I met, regardless of whether they were my friends,if they were complete strangers, or even if hey were dating someone. I couldn't care less. As long as they flirted with me, I was happy, I felt liked; appreciated. For some time it wasn't that big of a problem because I was harmless, but it started getting to the point where the harder it was to get the guy, the more I would want his attention, the more I would want him to like me. I would go after older guys or guys with girlfriends and I would get so much shit from so many people. But I didn't care. I felt good for the first time in forever and I needed more. To me, I was that girl that guys were willing to throw everything away for. In the end, I hurt so many people with what I was doing that I ended up almost completely alone. I'd ended up with three different guys involved with me, all friends, neither of them knowing what was going on with the other, one of them with a freaking girlfriend- I'd dug a hole for myself that couldn't get out of. When it all exploded in my face, it made me realize how stupid the whole thing was. How I had hurt so many people for my own selfish and untrue reasons. I finally understood that the reason why I was so dependent on attention wasn't because I was a whore, or because I was lonely; it was because I didn't love myself enough. And how can you pretend to love anyone if you can't even love yourself? My fear of commitment came from my self esteem problem as well. I didn't feel worthy of being with anyone. I was scared of being hurt, or even worse, of hurting the person that I was with. I couldn't handle the pressure, so I always said no to any type of relationships; I ran away from them. After my realization of what I was doing with my life, I decided to turn things  around and start from scratch. I started to try to get to know myself and see not only my flaws but also my strengths. I figured out that I am so much more than what I thought of myself, that I was pretty, smart, fun and loyal, that I do not need a guys approval to know that I am worth anything. I became the person that I am truly meant to be, the real me, and I love me now. But through all of that, I was still thinking of someone. To this day, when I think about it, there has not been a time in my life when I didn't like anyone. Call me a hopeless romantic, or simply a bored girl who needs  the entertainment, but it's the truth. I've always had someone who I wanted to be with, regardless of my problems or fears. This, this moment right now, it's the first time in years that I get to actually be me. Not the me that's trying to impress someone, to the me trying to get the guy she loves to be with her, no. Just me, and now, what I have to learn is how to be alone.  I have to understand that there are much more important things in life than having boyfriends, and that a relationship will come when it has to come. I need to get over my remaining feelings for the two men that hold my heart as of today and then continue with life. Ever since I ended it with him, my friends have been asking me if I wan to hook up with anyone, telling me that I need to move on to someone else, or that the way to forget him is to replace him. But that's the problem; I don't think that, this time, that's the way to go. I think that what I need is to be by myself for a while, to be single. I need to learn to be single. And enjoy it. Go where I want to go and do what I want to do without wondering if he's going to be there, if he's going to like what I said or did. I need peace of mind and peace of heart, and I am confident that it will come. And I will learn. And I will enjoy it. And I will eventually be with whoever I need to be, but only when I need to be. Because, even though I don't have that fear of commitment anymore, I don't think I am ready to be in a relationship as of today. I think relationships are very selfless things. In a relationship, when you are in love, you are turning yourself over to the other person completely. But how could I do that if I haven't met myself completely yet?  That is what this time is for. And I am finally ready. I'm ready to embrace my new life and my new me. So hello, world, here comes me.