A little bit of everything

Me

20/09/2015

So I may be just a simple girl. I'm probably the most normal person that you're gonna find as of today. I'm not incredibly beautiful. I'm not extremely selfless,  or loved by everyone that I meet. I don't live a glamorous life in a huge mansion or have tons of friends, and I certainly do not know anyone like that. I'm just me, a girl in a big world, living in a big city, but who cares which city, right? 

I'm a normal person, someone worried about her grades because she might not get into the right college, worried that she doesn't even have a plan, because she doesn't even know what she wants to do with her life. I'm that girl who you walk by on the streets and not notice at all, or maybe who you do notice because she's too tall, or her nose is too big, or because that shirt she's wearing is something you would buy. 

I'm simply a person, someone scared, so afraid of the wonder that is life. Someone frightened by the idea that this world, which, although small when compared to the whole universe, is so big that billions of people will never even know that I ever existed. So many people that will never be able to learn about the things that drive me crazy, both good and bad. About how much I love to read but how my favorite subject is actually Math. Billions of people who'll never get to hear my obnoxious laugh, or a really rude comment from my part if they're making fun of me. It scares me though, to think of all the people that will be able to get to know me. Of all the people that already do. What do they think of me? Am I just that friend who you have to hang out because you should? Because it's what's expected of us? In any case, that's what makes me human, right? 

All of those insecurities that follow me everywhere, with everything I do, those also define me. Do I look fat in this? Is my hair alright today? Did that comment make me look like an idiot? Shit, he's never going to look at me. I'm the girl whose heart's been broken before, and that's alright because it's probably going to  break again and again and again. The one who has already gotten around the idea that she is probably never going to make a really big impact in this world, but who has enough with making an impact on that one person. I just want to fall in love, so much so that I can't even breathe when I'm not with him. I want to be happy, and die old, and that's probably another thing that makes me so ordinary. I don't wish to change the world, I know that it's hard. It's not impossible, but if I can be happy with so much less, why ask for more? 

I have enough in my life with writing down what I feel to let go for a little while, and with reading a story so that I can escape my life and the stupid drama that is always following behind. I'm someone, just someone, filled with so many unanswered questions about the world, about life, that will most probably never be answered. And I don't know if that should make me feel bad, scare me, or if I should just ignore them. I'm just the girl, who lies in bed at night for hours, just thinking. Imagining possible scenarios in my life, asking myself questions and answering the ones that I can. Rethinking about the ones that I don't know the answer to and wondering if they can even be solved. Our mind is a great thing you see, and I believe that, even after years and years of investigation, humans will never know for sure what it is that goes inside someone's mind.

However, I think that's for the best, because our minds are private things. They are the place where we can be completely free, to think or believe whatever we want, without anyone judging or trying to argue with us. The place where we can be ourselves. It is something that if humans figured out, we would never be able to be so free again. We'd feel controlled. Does thinking about this make me an ordinary girl? Probably. 

And so, if you get the chance to know me in this life, I hope you like what you find. If you don't, I don't think it's a really big loss is it? I'm just another girl that you will probably come across in the street and don't even give a second glance. A girl that you would never read a book about, or watch a movie about. I'm what could be considered as normal in this life, even if that concept is as abstract as it can get. Because what is normal? Is it something that makes us all the same? The thing that most people have in common? If people all around the world started suddenly killing each other, would that be considered normal? I don't even know anymore. What am I? who am I? All I really know in this world is what goes on in my mind, and sometimes I don't even know what that is. 

I am just me. I am the things that I love in life, the ones I hate, I am the choices that I make, the words I speak when I'm mad, and the smile on my face when I fall in love. I am my family, and my friends, all those people that I love and that make me who I am. Those with whom I'm everything, and without whom I am nothing. I am everything from that tear that I dropped last night to the laughs that I shared this morning. I am my house, my city and my country. I am the electricity that I feel every time he touches me, and the freedom I feel when I play volleyball. There are no words to describe a person, ever. A person is everything that surrounds them. Everything that makes them who they are, not just how they react to things or how they treat each other. I am me, thanks to them.