A little bit of everything

Happy

03/04/2018

Lately I'm starting to feel like it's not love that I feel for him anymore. I know I loved him. I know that some time ago, when I was young and naive, when I thought that he would always be there to want me, I loved him. Even if I was too selfish to want to be with him. People say you don't know what you have until you've lost it. I think that people know what they have all along, they just never think that they could possibly lose it. But you can. Everything can be lost just as easily as it was found. In one quick moment, your whole world can come crashing down, and the only thing that you have to prove that you were a part of that is your own memories. 

As of today, I am not sure what I feel for him anymore. He used to be my rock; the only thing I ever really needed to keep me from drowning. He knew me better than anyone, possibly better than I knew myself. I wasted every chance that we had to be together, so I do know that if there is anyone to blame for my misery, it's myself. There's a problem though. Such a big problem. I keep trying to convince myself to forget him, that I should let him go, that if he and I should be together, fate will get us together. I am so convinced that I love him that I can't even see reality; reality is that I am not in love with him, but with the memory of him. 

Since we fell in love with each other the first time, so much has changed. I have grown and learned so much since the story of us started that I can't possibly be the same person that I was when he fell in love with me. She's not there anymore, and she never will be. Same happens with him. Neither one of us is still the same, so why am I trying to hold on to the same feelings I had before? I see it now. If I really want to be with him, in the future, we are going to have to fall for each other all over again. Not again actually; we are going to have to fall in love with each other for the first time; our new each other. You can't fall in love with the same person twice, as I read a few days ago, because they are definitely not the same person; they were changed by  the fist time that they fell in love with you, by the first time you left them.

 I am a fool if I think that I can just go back to him now and everything will be the same; I would have to get to know him from scratch, as if we had never even met. But that is for future times, isn't it? He's happy now. He is happy with another girl who is giving him everything that I wasn't able to because I spent all of the time that we could have been together worrying about other things. And even if I can't show it, because, honestly, it pains me to see him with someone else, I am happy for him. I am happy that he is happy. I guess the problem is that when I pictured him happy, I pictured him with me. Who's the fool now, huh? 

I would love to think that one, two, maybe five years from now, I will be able to see him again and not feel anything at all. I would love to think that I am going to move on completely from what I feel for him and be with someone who loves the me that is now, and not the me who had him fooled for so long and who hurt him so much that he had to completely erase me from his life to move on. But I don't think I will. I think that, even if I fall in love with someone else, even if I never see him again, there's a piece of my heart which will always belong to him; no matter where I am or who I am with, what I'm doing or what I'm thinking of when I do it, he's always there, in the back of my mind. 

The human heart is a funny thing. We hold on to this drug called "hope", on the off chance that perhaps something good can still happen. So when I write this, although I am consumed by sadness and regret, there's this hopeful part of me who wishes that he would finally realize that here I am, that I miss him and that we are made for each other. Even though I am so heartbroken that some nights I can't even sleep, although I am so run out of tears for him that when I try to cry nothing comes out, I still pray that there's a future for us. Because that's just it isn't it. I read somewhere a quote that I really liked, it said "We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry". We do. People will believe what they want to believe. But that's over now. 

I am letting you go. I want you to be happy, and if that is not going to be with me, then it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason, and we all have our futures written out for us, maybe ours is just not together like I thought it would be. As of today, I don't know what hurts more, losing him or never really having him. But it's now been a long time. We've been completely out of each other's lives for so long, that it is now, after months of silence, that I realize that we make better strangers than we ever did anything else. I did love him. More than anything, I would have given up all that I had to be with him. Some things are just not meant to be. So what? 

I am glad that he has been able to find happiness after me. I know how heartbroken he was and he deserves it. So even if I don't completely understand, even if I still believe that he would be better off with me, I am completely, purely, happy for him. But I want him to understand, that I want to be happy too. 

Maybe this isn't over. Maybe there's still a future in store for us. But I am done fighting, I am done going up against the world and everyone in it for us to be together, when clearly it is not the time for it. If it has to happen, it will. I am not worried anymore. I will never have to force anything that is truly meant to be, so why continue to try to force this? To try to force myself to love him, to hold on to my feelings for him, to not move on from this? Lately loving him, or what I though was me loving him, it hurt. Love is not supposed to hurt. 

So I hope, more than anything, that he is not mad at me. Please don't be mad at me for giving up on us, but I feel like that there's nothing left to fight for. My body can't take the fight anymore and I just want to rest and be happy, for the first time in so long. So wherever he is, whatever he's doing, when he thinks of me I want him to be happy as well. I want him to know that we fought as much as we could for what we had, that I did love him, even if I didn't truly show it as I should have, and that I am choosing my own happiness now; finally.