A little bit of everything

Thank you

16/11/2015

And you'll probably never understand. Hell, I don't think that I can even understand these stupid feelings. Is this wrong? Yes. Does it mean that I want to stop them? No, not really. Actually, not at all. The way I feel, it is not something I regret. Do I feel bad about the situation that we are in? Yes. But if I got the chance to go back and change everything, if I could go back a year and not look at you in the way I knew I shouldn't, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't not fall in love with you. As a matter of fact, I'd do it over and over again. Because even though you don't feel the same way, and you love someone else, you make me feel alive. 

Every time you touch me, a spark of electricity travels through my body. The adrenaline I feel every time I think about getting to see you again is the one that's got me addicted to you; I'm a junkie. I can't get enough of you. Of your scent, the one I get to get a whiff of when I get to be close to you, when you put your arms around me in what is supposed to be a friendly gesture. But I can't just look at you and expect to see a friend. You stop, you put your hand on my thigh and a thousand things are going through my mind, all but the fact that you are in love with another girl. And no, don't get the wrong idea. I don't want to separate the two of you. The last thing I want is for something as beautiful as what you have with her to be over because a simple girl like me is pining over someone who's already taken. And that's okay, after all, it's me who's gotten into this mess, it is my fault that I'm in this situation. 

I used to blame you for making me feel this way, but what are you guilty of? Being a gentleman? Caring about me in a way that no one outside of my family has ever done? Making me feel loved, even if what you've always done is seen me as a good friend? It's alright. I'd rather have you like this than not at all. "I'm sure he likes you, even if it's only a bit" my friends tell me. "He's always staring at you, I don't think he only sees you as a friend" they try to convince me. But I know the truth. I know how you feel. I know you'd do anything to keep her close to you. I know you see her as the most beautiful girl in the world. She's the perfect girl; she makes you happy, and that makes me happy, so everything is alright. And I can't hate her. Oh not even close. I love her as if she were my own sister. She is beautiful, inside and out, a girl you are lucky to have. 

If there is anyone I blame in all of this, it's me. I blame myself for looking in your eyes and drowning in their depths. For missing your touch when I shouldn't. For hating myself every time you're near, but needing you to be closer because, damn, I just can't seem to get enough. I am guilty, for wanting what's best and what's worst for me at the same time. For wishing you would see me how I see you, but not daring to think about it too long. It's me, myself and I, who is at fault for being in this position. But, I still won't regret it. Ever.

You have taught me what love is. I have learned from you, and for that I want to thank you. Thank you for showing me how beautiful it is to fall for someone, even if that someone isn't there to catch you, and you hurt yourself in the process. Thank you, because I know that after this I will be able to get back up, look at what I have achieved, and be able to love someone new, always having your presence at the back of my mind, and heart. And even if after this year is over, I don't see you ever again. Even if you never even read this. The things that I have felt for you are things that I will remember forever. The way my heart races when you look at me. The way my stomach erupts with butterflies when I hear you calling my name. How my hands get clammy and my pulse speeds when I have your undivided attention. 

I will cherish this memory, forever. Because, even though I don't have what I want, even though all I want is you, you didn't hurt me. This isn't the story of some jerk who played with a girls feelings because he knew he could and he was bored. This isn't a story in which a girl cries for hours because the asswhole who promised that he loved her turned out to be a fake. This is a story, of a girl, who falls in love with a boy who was already in love with somebody else. A boy who is good. A boy who will never disrespect a woman. In this one, the boy doesn't turn out to be a jerk, he's just what he is: amazing. The thing she can't have. And that's still okay. Because you have never made me cry, made me feel bad about myself, all you've done is made me happy. And in reality, I can't be more thankful than I am. 

So maybe, in twenty years, when I have found my soul mate and remember these days, remember you, I might not remember the exact shade of brown you dark hair had, or the way your eyes crinkled when you laughed. But I will remember one thing. I will remember these feelings that you have helped me find, those which I thought I was closed off to. I thought I was like a stone. Guys came and went and I couldn't care less. I never felt a single thing, at least not real, for any of them. Thank you for teaching me to open up, for tearing down my walls, even if the end wasn't what I would've liked it to be. Even if after all, you will never know the way I actually feel about you, today, tomorrow, and probably for a very long time. 

Maybe next year I won't be fully over you. Maybe in five years I get the chance to see you again and fall in love all over again. Perhaps I'll get lucky and you'll fall in love with me too, if things with her haven't worked out. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't though, I probably wouldn't fall in love with me either. That's not what I'm here to say though. The point in all of this is: I love you. Just wanted to let you know that. Before maybe I forgot. Before I somehow got over it soon and forgot to explain exactly how I feel every fucking day when you're just sitting across the room and I have to keep myself still and not jump into your arms and start kissing you, as If there was no tomorrow. I needed to get it out of my chest. I needed to let go, mostly because it is time to move on. 

I will find someone else. Someone that, when I slowly fall in love with him, will catch me. And I also need to say this: don't stop being as happy as you are. When I see you with her, I know you are in the best place you can be. I know nothing could make you happier than how you are right then. I envy you for that. I envy her. Not for having you, I envy her for being happy. And the thing is, that in the end, the only thing I want in life is to be happy. So thank you, for giving me the chance to find out that I can, in fact, be happy, and not just by myself. Thank you for teaching me that, even in my huge mess of a life, love is possible.