A little bit of everything

I am selfish

22/12/2015

Am I just selfish? Have you ever felt as if all you ever do in life is watch out for yourself? Even if you are trying to help others, is it always somehow redirected to helping yourself? For whatever the reason? 

Someone told me today, that it is my time to be selfish. It is my time to do what I want without worrying about the rest. I am young, I have to  enjoy what I have now. There is only one thing in this world that you can never get back: time. Time is the only thing that once it comes, it goes; just like that. You can never try to get that one second that you lost, wondering what it was that you could've done better. Time is not something we should just waste. Everyday in our lives, we make decisions, decisions that if we took a different one it could change our lives forever. 

Some people believe in fate. I know I do. But, the other day I was watching this show, and they said something that made me stop to think for a second: do you believe fate is determined by choice or chance? I mean, if instead of going out yesterday I had chosen to stay home, would I have never had to deal with this problem I have today? Would it still be there? No one will ever know because that's just it. We only get one chance to do things; to decide. 

People talk about second chances all the time, but you never truly have a second chance to do anything. It is just an opportunity that someone gives you to repeat your mistakes, or to fix them. But that one moment when you get to decide something, when you choose between staying in or going out, between cheating or not on your girlfriend... It will never come back. It will have consequences, that you won't be able to change because you have already chosen what you want. From my experience, love is selfish. The heart wants what it wants, and you can't just keep it from loving something even if it's wrong. 

It is later on, when you have realized what your heart is going after, that your head starts to try to influence us into stopping it. I don't know how our bodies work and I certainly don't know how our head works. I don't know where each and every one of my fucked up feelings come from, and I don't know why they happen the way they do. All I know is that things just happen to me, and I can't seem to stop them. But do I want to? What's wrong with me? Perhaps, everything I feel somehow makes me feel alive and I just don't want to keep myself from the adrenaline that is my life. 

I have reached a point in my life in which I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I have no idea what the hell is going on in my brain. I have choices to make and I don't know what to choose. And I'm actually okay with that. I want to be free. And if avoiding my problems for a little while is going to allow me to be free, I'm gonna do just that. So yeah, I am selfish. But I don't give a fuck anymore. If being selfish is what makes me happy, then I don't want to have to make myself miserable just because being selfish is not okay. I will be me. And you can say what you want about me; I am who I must be.