A little bit of everything

Theories

1:44 AM, 9/11/2017

Don't get me wrong, I write this to you but only because for some strange reason I can't stop thinking or talking about you. And I'm sick of it and of you. I can't understand you or your intentions, and that frustrates me to no end. I don't even know where to begin. 

Look, this all started very simply: I wanted to hook up with you. You know, a casual one night type of thing, where we made out a bit and then each went our own ways, as I've done so many other times with a bunch of other guys. And we did, once, then again, and again and again. All of a sudden it wasn't just making out and goodbye, but we were talking every day, you were taking me to plans with yours friends and you started spending nights sleeping with me. Just sleeping of course. 

According to my best friend the reason why we haven't gone anywhere after so much time is that you know I'm a virgin and are sort of afraid to try anything on me. That you respect me too much. I don't really know if that's the reason for your weird behavior, and if it is, I honestly don't know if I appreciate it or hate it. Anyway, I don't want to get ahead of myself. I thought everything was going great, you know? Casually making out when we went partying together and texting most days, so I wasn't bored. It didn't stop me from being with other guys, and though I never knew if you were with anyone else, I never truly cared. But something started changing. 

I think I started developing feelings for you, and I didn't want to admit it. I spent months denying that I felt something more than attraction for you, in part because I really wanted to go back to my ex when I returned to Spain and also because it seemed like for you it was just attraction. So I just kept on going as before, my friends trying to get me to admit what they knew I felt and me just trying to make it seem casual. Then we stopped making out. To this day I still don't know what happened, but all of a sudden you just stopped trying (or wanting) to kiss me. We still hung out the same, and slept in the same bed on numerous occasions, but for some unknown reason you didn't want to make a move on me, not anymore. That's when my brain started making up theories, trying to figure out what was wrong with you. 

I swear I came up with so much shit. I considered that maybe you lost interest, but then why did you still flirt with me and talk to me every day? I considered you being gay but then threw that thought away (kind of, I'm still considering it). I thought that maybe you met someone new, but that wasn't it either. There were so many question, so many theories, and so many encouragements from my friends to talk to you and find out myself what was wrong.... That I did. I told you about how confused I was and that I wanted to talk. We did. I didn't get anything really out of that conversation but at least I figured out that you weren't friendzoning me, which was basically my main fear. You cleared that up for me and I thought that maybe then things would go back to the way they were before. But they didn't. 

Ee still didn't go farther than flirting and my patience was wearing thin because I had stop trying to be with other guys for you and I was really pissed off about the whole situation. I was sick of you and your way of treating me, but that is really no excuse for what happened next. 

A week before spring break I got really drunk and hooked up with a friend of yours. I barely remember any of the night and really regret all of it, but I can't do anything about it. You want to know the worst part? When you found out, you actually got really mad, and I think that to this day, about five months later, you are still mad about that. I think you have never really forgiven either of us for it which sucks. 

It sucks, I know that it was wrong, but it sucks because you and me weren't really together, we hadn't kissed for more than a month and I was just trying to get over you because I swear, I thought I was going to go insane. All I would talk about, all day, non-stop, was you. My friends were starting to get tired of having the same conversation with me all the time, and honestly I was really really tired bout thinking about it so much as well. More time went by and we still didn't hook up. We texted, we went partying, you slept next to me, but you wouldn't fucking kiss me. It was as if you didn't want to be with me, but you didn't want me to be with anyone else either. I don't know, but I hated it. I hated the whole situation, I did not know what to do. 

May 1st. After two months, you finally kissed me again. God, I was so happy. It felt so god, I had forgotten how good it always felt to be with you. I realized then that denying that I liked you was stupid. It was what it was, I had feelings for you and you were an asshole. That night, I think we kissed more than every other time before summed up together. I had so much fun with you. Then you confessed to me that you were still mad and didn't want to kiss me that night. Not that you regretted it, just that you hadn't wanted it to happen again. But it did, and then once more. 

I left for summer break having decided to concentrate fully on getting back together with my ex in Spain. I had decided to block you from my life, and I honestly think that I did a good job at it. I thought so little about you, I was with other guys, I didn't get my ex back but I think that was for the better. In total, I had a great summer, talking to you only a few times and feeling like I could come back and start over, move on. As soon as I got back to Cologne I realized how much I had missed you and I couldn't wait to see you. My goodness, ever since I saw you after summer there was something different with you. I could feel it. 

It was the way that you looked at me and spoke to me, how you treated me. Something had changed over the summer, but I don't know what. We kissed again, and last Friday, when we slept together again for the first time since before summer, it felt like a first time. There's something different about you with me now, but I don't know what it is. For the first time in 7 months, I felt like you had feelings for me too. And I was so happy. So hopeful. I though "maybe this time this will move forward". My happiness lasted 4 hours. 

At 4 in the afternoon you called me and I didn't have my phone on me so I didn't see it on time. When I tried to call you back later, you decided not to pick up. Then when I texted you to ask what you wanted you ignored me. We haven't talked since you said goodbye to me that morning. My relationship with you is like a roller coaster of feelings. I get so happy and excited about what could happen and then get so disappointed to quickly. I am mostly disappointed though. 

I've thought about it a lot, and I think that you don't know what you want. After all of the theories that I've come up with, after every single reason that I could think of for your behavior, the thing that I am most certain of is that 1. You need to grow a pair and 2. Even if you did grow a pair, you have no fucking clue about what you want with me. You want me but then you don't. And I don't know how much longer I can last with this stupid game that we have going on. I'm tired of this, of wasting time, of having to deal with all the bad parts of being in a relationship without even having a boyfriend. One of these days I'm just going to quit this, and even though I'm really sad about it, because I do care about you so much and I like you a lot, it hurts to keep trying to figure out something that maybe doesn't even have a solution. 

I love the great times that we have together, but there are so few of those moments. So so little. The bad is much more abundant, and the bad I hate. I hate this situation. I hate it. It's like we have one good day out of 7 and the rest are as if you didn't exist. The good doesn't make up for the bad, I'm very sorry to say. I won't be able to take it much longer. I think that I'm ready, finally, to have a relationship, something that I have been denying myself for so long that I think I don't even remember what it's like to be with one person fully and unconditionally. And sadly, I don't think that I will get that with you. 

I'm not giving up on this just yet, but I am giving myself a maximum date. I am giving us a period of time of two months, two months to try to see if these feelings can have some kind of future or if we're just destined to be friends. Carnival, 11/11. If by then this hasn't changed, if by that day we are still in this same place that we have been in since February, I will end this once and for all. I will talk to you, explain to you that I am officially done, and start trying to move on, however I can. Just friends. Let's see if you can grow a pair and figure out what the hell it is that you want by then. I really hope that you do. Because I believe that something pretty great could come out of this.