A little bit of everything

HER

2:22 AM, 01/12/2017

I hate that I left you with her. I wanted to rip her head off. I understand that you and I aren't together anymore, that now I have to pretend as if these sort of things didn't affect me. But we were in there, dark cub, loud music, sweaty people; and literally the last thing that I wanted to do was leave you alone with her. Do you not see me? Do you not realize that I am hurting? I am going crazy, trying to figure out what it is that is going through your mind. I want you to want me but you don't. At least how I want you to.

It's so frustrating, having to forget someone, someone that you know loves you and cares about you, only because that's what you deserve. It's a shitty thing. Finding the difference between what you deserve and what you really want. I want you. I can't admit it to anyone, if I say it out loud it becomes real. If I tell anyone how I actually feel every freaking day I will just become the poor hopeless girl. The last thing that I need is people not taking me seriously. But right now its 2 in the morning and you are alone with her at the club and I can't stop crying. I love you. And I honestly do not want to be with anybody else. 

The worst part is I know that you feel the same way, that you hate for me to be with anyone else and that you get super jealous if I flirt with anyone. I see you! I see your reactions when I'm not with you and I'm talking to other boys. I am not blind, I can see you getting jealous and I love it. I love seeing that you get jealous, not because I want to hurt you, not at all, but mainly because I like to know that you care about me. We have such a toxic relationship, I know that. But honestly, just thinking about you being close to that girl is making me sick. 

I hate her. I actually hate her. It is very hard to get in my bad side, I have to tell you, but this girl has done it. And the worst part is, she reminds me so much of myself from two years ago. I want to be able to understand her and give her second chances but I can't. She wants to be with you and as soon as she realizes that you and I are done.... Please. I am begging you. Don't go there with her. I swear, you could get with anyone. You could get with any girl, you could get with my best friend, that from your side it would never hurt me as much as it would if you got with her. I would so hate for you to be avoiding me but meanwhile getting with her. 

I didn't use to be jealous. I am not sure if it was because I never really liked any of the guys that I was with, or whether it was because I was very sure of what our relationship meant. With you, everything is a mystery, and the worst part is, that I like it too much. I like you so much that for the past 9 months I've done nothing but follow you around like a lost puppy. And even now for example, after having decided that I was going to try and forget about you and to get over my feelings for you, I'm here crying for a guy who doesn't even know what he wants. You want me, but you don't want to want me. What do I say? That I understand you? I do. 

The thing that I don't understand is why you have decided to try to forget me when you clearly don't want to. I like you, you like me. There's feeling between us, and there is really nothing that we can do about it. I mean yes. We could act on them. Oh wait, that's what has been going on for the past 9 months isn't it? 

I hate that you affect me so much. I hate her. I hate how she's so pretty, and so blonde, and has such a great body and dances so well. I hate that she makes you laugh, I hate that you have things in common with her. I hate that she tried to be friends with me just to get to you. I hate that she practically laughed in my face. I hate that she got to be alone with you. I hate that she doesn't have all these feelings for you and that you aren't tense with her. Because even though we trust each other so much to be ourselves when we are together, there is so much tension between us every time that we are alone... 

I want it to be how it used to be. Do you remember? Long long time ago, when we used to only see each other as a good looking person that we wanted to hook up with on Saturday and not this amazing person that we like so much but that we can't be with. I clearly understand you, I do, I understand that you don't need I relationship right now, mainly because I don't want one either. But it's been an hour since we said goodbye and you went back in there with her and I just want to go over there and rip her head off. I want her to realize that I really like you and that going after you is not freaking okay. 

I'm imagining the worst right now but I do not want to believe it. I want to get information on this tomorrow, find out if something happened between you two or not. If it did... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I don't know if I am ready to face the fact that you and I are done. I mean I know that we should be, and I am trying to forget you, but I see you every day and I can't. You smile, and you approach me, and you ask me the stupidest question and I melt. I have so many feelings for you, I wish that I could be with you in any way but I can't. And I won't. 

I haven't stopped crying since I started writing this 20 minutes ago. It is officially the first day of the last month of this wonderful year that I have had with you. My friend told me earlier that she thinks that if I want, I should hook up with you again at least once. The bad thing is that I do, I do want to. It is honestly the thing that I desire the most right now. I want you to be next to me, waiting for me in bed, hugging me from behind, however you need to be but I want; I need you with me. There's a part of me that's missing if you're not here. But that's what needs to stop. 

I need to stop these feelings that I have for you, I need to get over what I expect from you and just live my life as I should. I am sorry for bringing drama into your life when I did and I hope that that is not the reason why you decided to not go through with this. I love you, you mean the world to me, and I want you to be happy. But please. You could have any girl. Don't go after this one; because it will kill me.