A little bit of everything

Box

15/12/2015

Have you ever felt as if you were trapped? As if you were inside this little box where no one can help you and you can't really get to anyone who's outside. It's that awful feeling, when you have a lump in your throat and think that if you let out even the slightest noise, you might start crying. You can't even draw a single breath because you feel all choked up. You're just minding your own business and then, something happens, and all of a sudden the walls are closing in on you and you have no way to escape. Your heart starts racing, you feel like it's going a thousand miles an hour, and you start breathing really hard because it seems as if there is not enough air in the world for you. 

All you want to do is run away, to be free and alone and not have everyone around you wondering what the hell is wrong with you. You're upset, and everyone suddenly needs to know why. They all want to help. You don't want their help. All you need is to be alone, to cry and let it all out, to get out of that stupid little box that keeping you in. The one that's making you so fucking anxious. You don't even remember how to breathe but you know you're doing it because you can hear how fast the oxygen is going into your system and out. Your hands are trembling and everything is spinning around you and you just can't do anything to stop it but calm down. 

But how can you calm down? Nothing makes sense anymore. You're trapped, there's no way out, all you can do is hope for everything to be over and forget any of it ever happened. That's how I feel, every time I see you. 

Every time I remember that I can never speak to you again, that the guy I love, not just as a lover but as one of my best friends, can't get close to me anymore. Is this really what it has to come to? Are we really so fucking scared of society, of what other people might think or say about us, that we can't stand up to them? I know, in my heart that what we are doing is for the best. I love you and you don't love me that way. I have to get over you. The one you love is one of my best friends. I know it's so wrong... but I feel so powerless. All I want to do all day is be with you, talk to you, I don't care. 

And if I can't have that, why can't I just have you as a friend? Because everyone is talking? Because people can't mind their own fucking business? Because of those whose life is just boring as hell and can't keep to themselves, I have to look at you across the room every single day and die a little inside. I have to feel trapped, as if I were a little girl, in a little box, with no way out. And even though you are the only reason I ever feel as horrible as I do when that happens, you are also the only one who is able to get me out of it. 

You are like the sudden light that appears through a little crack in the box. The one that makes me feel hope, that allows me to believe that there are more people out there. That you are out there. That if I try really hard, I can get out and see the world once again. I could talk to you for hours and feel as if I had taken drugs from how high I was feeling, but I was just talking to you. You have the ability of making me feel wonderful one moment and then horrible the next. I could cry, for hours, wondering what the hell it is I did to deserve being in this situation, to have let myself come this far, to have allowed myself to fall for you. But then I could stay up all night, with a smile on my face knowing that it was worth it. That the butterflies in my stomach from every time you looked over at me and smiled, the rosy cheeks from when you laughed at something I said or every spark that ran through my body from every touch that you have ever given me; they're all worth the pain I'm going through now. 

I hate you. I love you. I need you out of my life right now. I want you to stay in my life forever. I know what's best for me. And every night I tell myself that I have to go through with it. But then, I look at you the next day and there it is again: that awful feeling rocking my body, making me feel as if I were going to die because I just can't breathe anymore. Because my heart might explode in any moment and I can't do anything about it except look away from you, and not look at you ever again. And I don't want to have to do that. 

I want to have the privilege of seeing your smile every single day, of hearing your laugh, of smelling your cologne, of feeling your hands as much as I possibly can. I am trapped, in a box made by people all around, who think they know better than me but want to "help". Those who think they are helping me by telling me to stay away from you, by telling me to explain to you how we can never be seen together again. That we can't even be friends, because those same people who are trying to "help me" get over it, are the ones who are talking behind our backs, saying how us being friends is unbelievable and how we spend all day flirting with each other. How it's wrong. The hypocrites who want me to get over you because people are talking, when they are the first to comment on it. 

I will always wonder why and how people can be like that. Hypocrites. How can someone live in a world in which it is okay for everyone to say one thing and then think the other? To be saying how they hate something about someone, and the do the exact same thing to someone else? All I can hope for is to never be that way and move on I suppose. To accept life in that stupid little box, and learn to live with it. To learn to live suffocated by other people's expectations, to do what I want to do but only as long as everyone else agrees. 

Perhaps someday I will be able to get out of that box, to do whatever it is I want to do without having people meddling into my life trying to change my opinion. People lie. They deceive. They hurt each other. It's pretty much in our nature, and you can't stop anyone from doing it to you. What you can do though, is try not to do it yourself. I know I will.