Autumn is a second spring

37. Mask

"You, Earth, Sammy... even P' Kao and P' Ohm think from my point of view. You all glorify what I do for him. But what about him, Fluke? Who is going to think from his perspective?" Prem's voice was shaky as he spoke. 

Fluke looked straight ahead and said nothing.

 "I admit I do have grievances. There are times when I feel neglected by him. I wouldn't deny that. That's why I come to you and vent my emotions. But it's not the same for Hia. He has no one to talk to."

Fluke chuckled mockingly. "He has no one?" He knew well enough that Ohm had been with Boun, supporting him every single step, without being judgmental, both as a friend and a brother. He found it laughable that Prem was saying that Boun had no one by his side, completely disregarding all the efforts Ohm had put in to help Boun.

"That is not what I meant, Fluke" Prem felt guilty realizing what he just said. 

"You know what Prem, let's end this discussion here. I don't think that this is going in a good direction."

"Flukie, listen to me na"

"I only have one advice to give you, Prem. Learn to love yourself before loving someone else. Because the bull that plows the field isn't the one who gets to eat the grains after harvest." Fluke was done. He was no longer interested in meddling between Boun and Prem.

He understood that it was his fault for having said that comment out loud. He felt that he shouldn't have done it as he knew that Prem was going to react like this.

 "Why do you hate him, Fluke?" Prem asked rather aggressively. 

"I don't hate him!" Fluke got defensive. 

"Just because he looks all easygoing, it doesn't mean that there aren't things bothering him." Prem wiped the teardrop that had slipped down his eyes. "You know, nothing has been easy for him. Neither you nor I can put an estimate of the damage Khun Saen and P' Alan had done to him, Fluke. And I tell you the damage wasn't just done externally. He is broken from inside."

Fluke stared at the scenery outside the window. "I am sorry that I sounded judgmental earlier."

"Flukie, can you stop being like this? You are hurting me!" 

"The one hurting you is you, Prem and I hope that you would realize it."

"Are you abandoning me?" Prem felt weak and lonely.

Fluke exhaled audibly "No. I just feel that you are right. Both when you said that we all have no idea what is going on between the two of you and when you said that P' Boun's condition is not good. I understand."

"Then why are being so distinct to me?"

"Can you stop accusing me of things I didn't do? I already apologized for passing comments about your relationship. If it was not enough, I am willing to apologize again. I am sorry. I am really really sorry." Fluke joined his hands in a prayer position and apologized formally.

"Flukie, can you not push me away?"

"I am not pushing anyone away. I am just going to mind my own business. After all, I already have a lot on my plate."

"My relationship with Hia isn't that bad, Fluke. He loves me. He loves me a lot." Prem felt that he should convince his friend about his relationship. "He might not be like P' Kao who is willing to fight the whole world because they wouldn't accept Earth as his partner or like P' Ohm who is a force strong enough to protect you from anything that might harm you even a bit. But he does love me as much as P' Ohm loves you, Fluke, or maybe even more."

"Alright. I believe you."

"Fluke please"

"Please what, Prem?"

"Can you stop being annoyed at me?"

"I am not annoyed."

"Then why are you being so dismissive? Can't you just listen to me?"

"I am listening, Prem. I haven't put on my headphones yet." Fluke replied displaying his ears that were tucked away by his long hair.

Prem understood that Fluke would really snap in he kept taking it like that. He was determined to clear Boun's image in Fluke's heart.

He fiddled with the plastic button on the hem of his tee. "When Hia started working, nobody valued him. Not the investors, not the employees. Everyone thought that he was just a toyboy who only got there because he was born into a rich family. No matter how much he tried, they pointed fingers at him. He had to work day and night to prove himself. To prove that he was someone who was beyond his surname."

He tilted his head towards Fluke "I know this doesn't justify his lack of attention towards me, but I know that he doesn't do it on purpose. He is trying to be the best of both worlds, Fluke. He tries his best to be my Hia, to be Bew's Dada, to be the grandson of the Guntachai family, to be the Mistletoe's [1] P' Boun. He is giving it his all and as human, he tends to lack in some areas. Isn't that completely normal?"

He could see slight changes in Fluke's eyes. It wasn't as cold as a few seconds ago.

"Last month, one the day before our shoot started, I had a high fever. Hia stayed up all night taking care of me even though he had a very important meeting with the client the following day. He hadn't slept a wink that night. If he hadn't done that I wouldn't have been able to attend the opening ceremony of the shoot, Fluke." He gently held Fluke's hand and continued. "Even on the next day. He was so worried about me that he cut the meeting short and came to the set to check on me."

Fluke glanced at the intervened hands and remained mum.

"Hia... he acts all cheerful, loud, and easy going in front of others. He knows that people only like such a version of him. Even our fans. They love him because of the persona he shows in front of them. He is literally wearing a mask in front of others. Fluke, he isn't a bad guy."

"I know" Fluke murmured. He knew better than anyone else. 

Having to live their whole life with a mask on is not an easy task. It is really suffocating. He knew it from his experience, for he himself was wearing one all his life.

Ever since he was young, he had been wearing the mask of a sweet and cute kid in front of strangers and a fierce yet caring person in front of the family and friends.

He had never taken off his mask. He didn't dare to. He didn't dare show those deep and ugly scars that had been hidden away under the cover of the mask, not even to Ohm.

The only difference between him and Boun was that the latter's mask fell down in front of Prem as soon as he fell in love. But for him, he only held his mask tighter when he entered the relationship with Ohm, fearing that the latter might not love him with those ugly scars.

The fear of being unmasked one day ate him from inside, digging deeper into those ugly scars, making them fragile and easily destructible.

The mask had carefully hidden the original Fluke from the whole world.