all roads lead to you

the hardest climb

Tears stream down her cheeks as she holds the test in her hands and stares down at it. She'd told herself, promised herself that she was prepared for all eventualities. They knew this wasn't a guaranteed thing and they knew that sometimes for couples it's harder than it is for others but she wasn't prepared for that ache in her heart that got stronger with each passing transfer that didn't take. She wasn't prepared for the guilt she'd feel watching her partner with their friend's children, knowing that she hasn't been able to give her that yet.

'Come here, love...' Leah says softly as she takes the negative test from Lia's hands, drops it in the bin and immediately pulls the Swiss into her arms.

'I'm so sorry.' Lia sobs burying her head in the crook of Leah's neck as the blonde gently runs her hands up and down her back.

'You have got absolutely nothing to be sorry for, my love... This is no one's fault, unfortunately it's just one of these things and it's one of these really shitty things that really fucking hurts but it definitely is not your fault.' Leah says softly as she keeps her arms tightly around her partner.

'It's not fair.' Lia mumbles.

'No, none of this is fair.' Leah says.

'When is it going to be our turn?' Lia almost whispers as she pulls back to look at the blonde. The pain clear on her face as Leah uses one hand to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks.

'I don't know, love... Why don't we go cuddle up in bed with a movie? We can let the news sink in and then decide what we want to do in a few days.' Leah suggests.

'W-What do you mean? D-Do you not want to try again?' Lia asks biting her bottom lip.

'I didn't say that. I just- I hate seeing you like this, love. I hate that you're beating yourself up over these tests. I hate that I can't just make it better.' Leah replies.

'So what? Now we stop. We don't go again? All of this and for what? Nothing.' Lia says, anger filling her voice as she backs away from Leah.

'Again, I didn't say that. I just wanted to talk in a few days; see where your head is at because I know this is so much harder mentally for you than it is for me.' Leah replies reaching for her hands.

'Four. Four transfers and two rounds of IUI, Le.' Lia says and the blonde nods her head.

'I know. It's a lot.' Leah replies as Lia allows her to gently pull her back against her chest, her arms instintively wrapping around the blonde's waist as her head drops to rest on her shoulder.

****

'I don't want to go out tonight...' Lia admits as she rests her head on Leah's chest as the blonde gently runs her fingers through her hair.

'Okay. I'll let the girls know that we're not going to make it tonight.' Leah says kissing the top of Lia's head.

'You can still go... I don't want to ruin your night as well.' Lia replies tilting her head to glance up at the blonde who shakes her head.

'Don't really feel in the party mood, love... Why don't we just order in a takeaway and just have a cosy night?' Leah suggests.

'Mm... That sounds exactly what I need.' Lia replies, her hold on Leah's t-shirt tightening slightly.

'Let me go phone Beth and I'll get her to come up with some excuse for us not being there, okay?' Leah says and Lia nods her head. Rolling away from Leah, she curls up on her side of the bed as the blonde leaves the room and makes her way downstairs. It only takes a few rings for Beth to pick up the phone.

'Hey there, friend... What's going on?' Beth asks causing Leah to sigh slightly.

'Hey, Beth... I need a favour.' Leah says.

'Everyone okay?' Beth asks.

'Lia and I aren't going to make it tonight. We just- Fuck.' Leah mumbles as tears begin to stream down her cheeks.

'Le, what's going on? Do you need me to come over? I can get Viv to keep Piper... Is it your mum? Has something happened?' Beth asks.

'No, mum's fine. I just- We did a test this morning.' Leah replies quietly.

'Oh, Le... I'm so sorry. Do you guys need anything? I can drop by some bits for yous if you want.' Beth asks.

'We're okay, Beth... Thank you though. I think we just need some time to process it all and being around everyone probably isn't going to do us any good right now.' Leah admits.

'I understand that. I'll just say you guys have a virus... Let me know if you need anything, yeah? Anything at all.' Beth says.

'I will do.' Leah replies.

****

'I do want to try again. I'm not ready to give up on our dreams of having a baby. I just- It is hard mentally and I know, as much as you try to act strong for me, that it's hard on you as well.' Lia says.

'It is hard, I won't lie but do you know what is harder? Seeing your heart break after every test... I just want to make all of this go away, make all the pain disappear.' Leah replies feeling Lia's arms wrapping around her waist from behind.

'I understand if it's all too much for you. If it's too hard we don't have to try again... I'm worried that you're keeping everything bottled inside and it's going to overwhelm you at some point. I want a family but you, me and Coco are just as much a family with or without a baby.' Lia says softly. Leah bites her bottom lip as tears stream down her cheeks and she leans heavily on the counter in front of her.

'Le, look at me.' Lia says softly.

'I can't.' Leah almost whispers.

'It's just me.' Lia says loosening her arms slightly when she feels Leah begin to turn around.

'Oh, Le...' Lia says pulling the blonde into her arms as she immediately begins to sob into her shoulder. It's been a long, hard year for both of them and neither could have anticipated just how emotionally draining it could be. She keeps her arms tightly around the blonde until her sobs quieten and her body shakes begin to subside.

'Look, we've got two embryos left. Why don't we do one more transfer and then we can reaccess the situation? See how we feel.' Lia suggests wiping the blonde's cheeks who sighs.

'Can we talk about it tomorrow? Right now I just want to curl up on the sofa with you and Coco.' Leah asks.

'Mm... Of course we can. Will I go grab the duvet?' Lia says.

'Please.' Leah replies smiling slightly.

'I love you... Nothing is going to change the fact that I love you.' Leah says glancing at Lia who nods her head.

'I feel the exact same, babes. If we end up with 10 babies or we end up with no babies, you'll always be enough for me.' Lia replies smiling as she gently squeezes Leah's hand.