if only..

chapter 13 - lovesick

TW: ED, depression, foul language, blood, SH scars, SH

      I woke up with the sun light shining brightly apon my face. I yawn as I look over at big mama's bed, she wasn't there, I frowned. I raise up as I rub my eyes, I look around, doubling checking my surroundings. I was still cautious after.. last night. I gulp. I shake my head as I stretch out my legs. I look at the big window next to big mama's bed, the light shining sun gave me some warmth. I wonder how donnie was doing.. I wonder if he will ever love me like I love him again.. not his sick and twisted self. I hear a knock

      My head whips around to the door as it slowly opens, Irma. Her sad eyes tried to look happy as she came though the big door with my favorite treats, chocolate.. yum. 

     "big Mama says you like chocolate, I thought maybe- you'll like my mama's recipe from 1995" She says sweetly, god how could I have been so mean to her? I smile as she walks closer and the smell infultrating my nostrils. She sets the warmish plate on the foot of my bed as she bows, I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out, so I just smile and look at the food. I think Irma was waiting for a thank you or anything from me but nothing came so she just kept her pained expression that was hidden with a smile 

         "I guess i'll be on my way now.." She says sadly as she turns around, her fluffy tail between her legs.. Didn't in that one science class I took in 6th grade tell us that animals put their tail between their legs if scared or sad.. damn im stupid. 

        "wait.." I barely breath but she didn't hear me or just didn't want to, and left.. I hear the door softly close as im left in this huge but small room. I felt so empty inside. Why was I like this?..

     I look at the chocolate and take a small piece, it was heart shape with a smooth texture, a darkish white color to it making it seem as if it was milk chocolate. My still shaky hand from last night slowly places the chocolate in my mouth as my tongue tastes the sweetness as it slowly starts to eat it. It was delicious, and I ate the whole thing.

        I wish I didn't..

     " COUGH COUGH COUGH " I spew into the toilet, hunched over as I pulled my h/c back. Tears streamed down my face as I throw up the chocolate. Dammit.. I didn't think I would do this again..  My body shook as the spew wouldn't stop coming. I miss donnie, I miss my pets, I miss leo, raph and mikey. I miss myself, I miss how I was never like this.. Why was I like this again?..

       Finally the spew stopped coming as I fell to the floor, crunched up into a ball. Gripping my shaking body as tears fell to the cold floor, everything was cold to me now, I wonder why.. I rub my head between my leg as I feel someone hug me tightly, I don't care to look.

        "its gonna be okay" I hear Donnies voice, it wasn't his crazed one but his.. the one I missed.  I lean into his touch "your doing so great, I believe in you.." He speaks softly as he creases my hair, this was mine, he was mine. And I missed mine, not his feral version, but this one.. I loved him.. And i missed this, us. 

      "w-where sniff have you been?.." I cry softly as I look up at my turtle, his purple lighting shining in the restrooms light. His green-tealish skin was there like I remember, and his little nerdy googles too.. God I missed him

      "Whatever do you mean.. I've always been here dear" He speaks softly

       "no..- " 

        "yes silly- you just forgot to imagine me.." He smiles and my eyes go wide, and the tears go back to flowing again. 

     "Your not sniff real- are you.." I say slowly and he frowns

     "sadly, yes.. But I promise my dear, I will return to you my princess and I will be your nerdy little turtle" He pokes my nose to lighten the mood and it works, I giggle. I smile up at him as his fingers wipe away the tears.