This isn't love this is torture

chapter 22 - illusions

TW: PTSD nightmares, abuse, ect

      "shhh, Y/N, your safe with me" He smiles, tucking a single strand of my hair behind my ear. My head sits atop his lap as tears stream down my face, never ending. Like a river with no destination, or a waterfall that never had a begining. Something unnatural.  

    "Im scared" I say, itching at the collar that was too tight around my neck. I hold on tightly to Donnie's legs, digging my nails into them. "I don't want to get hurt again" 

    I feel his hand grab my chin roughly, tilting my head so that I can met his eyes. He grins "but my dear, that's what needs to happen. What you were made for. Remember this is true love, we are perfect" 

      I nod, but deep down I still felt like something was wrong, this was wrong.. right?. I feel his arms and hands wrap around my body, picking me up in a swift motion. I lean my head into his plastron, feeling like he was going to drop me just for the fun of it. Just to see me squirm in pain as the cold concrete ground slammed into my body. Just to laugh at me while i shriek in pain. 

     I feel him slowly set me down, back into the cold cell. Feeling the air whip onto me like a slap in the face. He smiles at me, smashing his lips onto mine - in a cold uncaring way, only for pleasure. "now goodnight darling" 

                      ZAP

   I scream  as I squirm around on the floor, burning in pain as the electricity courses though my body. He laughs at me, dancing around, clapping his hands. "oh my God dear! your making me laugh!" he giggles. 

      I jerk up, panting as I awake from my nightmare. Of what could be.. what could have happened. I wipe the sweat rolling down my forehead, I breathe hard as I check my surroundings. Okay.. safe, I was safe in Leo's room- er well his living room? he gave me a pull out couch, and a nice blanket which I was clenching onto for dear life as I covered myself in it. I double check my surroundings one more time, seeing the dark room. Nobody was there but me. And I guess Leo was in the other room. 

      I breathe in and out, standing up. I feel shaking as I walk over to the mini fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. Twisting opens the cap, and drinking the cold water, letting it go down my throat. Shivers were sent down my spine, feeling colder. 

     I let out a sigh, hugging myself tightly. Maybe this whole getting better idea wasn't so bad. I mean I still had to leave, but that wasn't going to be a problem, right?..

    I sit on my makeshift bed, feeling the warmth of the blankets consume me as I keep the water bottle tightly in my hands. I stare up at the celling. I wonder if Donnie still had my cell..

       my cell...

         I quickly stand up, spilling the water but I don't care. I go straight for my shoes next to the doorway. I slip them on and in my tank top with PJ pants that smelled like sweat, I quickly slip out of the room, and into the lair. I look around, only seeing darkness but soon my eyes adjust to the dark. I see the steel lab doors, slowly making my feet move closer. My hand wraps around the handle, opening it slightly as I feel its air push onto my face. I look around, continuing forward but with each step I kept feeling a dread coming back.

          A feeling that I hoped I would never feel again but yet it still felt right to feel. 

      I check my surroundings like in my room, no signs of people (or mutants) in the room with me. This meant that Donnie actually slept in his room this time instead of his lab, I guess he was getting better. I was only getting worse.  Both my feet slowly crept forward as  I searched for my cold cell. The concrete under my bare feet was uncomfortable and cold, It felt.. like home? I shake my head, trying not to think about the old memories. But yet I wanted them to be true, to happen once more. I deserved it either way, it felt like a just punishment for me.

   Then it was there, the cell that I was looking for. The same white light that never turned off, gleamed in glory, the glass windows that lead to my white enclosure, that was so, so, so cold. I slowly walk forward, opening the glass door. Stepping inside felt, new? it didn't give me the same feeling I felt then. I shut the door, locking me inside. I walk towards the corner, slowly curling in a ball as the light gleamed onto me. 

    I stared, which was all I could do. Because then a flood of emotions swarmed over me like a avalanche. First, I felt incredibly scared, that I could get zapped any second with a collar that wasn't even on me. That thought made me itch at my neck. Secondly, I felt safe? even though I was scared, I knew that even though I got hurt badly, I was also fed and kept safe. Then there was the overwhelming sense of love, that this area was a place of true love. Though I knew that was not true, It felt true. That this was what love was, and maybe it was. Because Donatello Hamato is my one lover, and my true lover. 

     Because when he loves me I feel like I'm floating, when he calls me pretty I feel amazing. He is my sky, my ground and my sun. He is my everything. I feel like I'm someone who is worthy of his attention when he looks at me. It feels so right. 

       but so wrong. 

   I knew we could never love each other, it only turned out toxic and horrible. He himself wanted me out because he was scared I would ruin his sanity, and his life. Not that he cared about what he has done to my life, or even apologized about it, he only cared about himself. Which is a red flag to be honest.. This wasn't some Romeo and Juliet scenerio, Romeo and Juliet that was true love. What we had, it was fake. It wasn't real. 

    And I've done it again. Lost in my thoughts, losing control over myself. And I've been trying to stop that from happening, and yet I'm here. 

      I wish I was dead, I wish I was gone. Im not wanted, Im not love.

Now I'm crying, great. Im pathetic, but I always knew that. As much as I wanted it to be not true, it was. I hold myself tightly, crying loudly into my knees. I just wish someone would care, wouldn't leave me. Would love me, who cares. 

guys I rlly cried writing this chapter. Felt rlly close 2 me lmao/ Anyway total word count was 1193 !!! TYSM for all the love and support you guys have been giving/. I wont upload until Wednesday because I am going to a camp, but I will update soon so dw! ag ty for the love and support <33