This isn't love this is torture

Chapter 25 - calm down

regular TWz: 

f/p = fave pizza

      I laugh, my stomach full of pizza. This was the first time I had ever really enjoyed a meal, again that was too new. But it felt good. Everyone was here at the table, Raph, Mikey, Leo and.. Him. I smiled, we were all happy? I think, I suck at guessing others emotions. Either way, everyone had a smile, and it was nice. The boys were still eating pizza, I don't know how they do it. Maybe its because I'm 78 pounds but either way, they have a big stomach for pizza. I giggle at that. 

    I can't even remember what we were laughing about. It felt too natural, maybe it was fake but I was enjoying this at least. But it still felt wrong. Especially me and Donnie. I mean- he wanted me to die at some point (which almost lead to my death, funny) he also has raped me, experimented on me, starved me, beat me, and other shit I'd rather not remember.

       But yet, it was Donnie. A smart softshell, who had too much ego and was way too easily flustered. A nerdy purple guy who just loved science, someone who could relate to me on a level - a low one, but still he can relate to me - and could be there for me. And honestly who else could I go too? Not leo, that gay bastard.. Plus it would be weird if I dated Leo, Mikey is just a little kid to me, and Raph is like my mom. Well a better mom. Maybe Irma? But I doubt she even remembers me, I wouldn't remember me if I were her. I still miss Irma from time to time, she was too nice. I wish I could go back and stop myself from being such a bitch to her, because she was probably the only person who cared for me at that time. 

         I knew me and Donnie would never last, that was quite obvious. But I wanted it to work out at the same time. But yet I still loved Irma. Her fluffy tail and how it would wag when she saw me, the shreching noises that a fox would make out of excitement when she would greet me in the mornings. The way she would nuzzle her nose into my shoulder. The way her lips moved when she talked.. The way she would hug me with her chest touching mine.. I shiver, not wanting to get horny over a fox while I was hanging out with my friends.

    I reach for another f/p, taking a small nibble out of it since I did't want to throw all of it up since I was full. I sit silent as I let the others talk, it was nice not having to carry the covnersation, too much work. Too stressful. But after a while of tuning out I hear Raph stand up from his chair, calling to me. I look up.. 

        He was glooming over the table, his eyes meeting mine. "Y/N, we know that April was lying when you two were fighting. And she Is coming over today.. April is our first friend for all of us, and we really-" he empasized really "-would like if you guys would be friends, she feels horrible about what she did and wants to apologize and-" 

        I cut him off, still chewing my pizza "mkay" I say blankly, not really caring. 

    Raph raised a brow, his arms crossing as he stares at me, waiting for my expression to change. "you sure?" he double checks, and I just nod. He sighs as he sits back down and then the laughter begins again. In truthness I was DREADING talking to April again, but we were having a good time so I didn't want to ruin the mood. 

         Raph'z POV; 

            Talking was never my forte, but I loved talking with my brothers and April. Y/N was difficult at times from the little we've spoken with each other, but I still cared about them. I feel responsible for what Big Mama did to them, what Donnie did, and everything else. But I wish we could get passed that, so I arranged for Y/N and april to talk. Sure I Was lying about April being sorry, but I told her she had to make amends. I think she felt guilty about Y/N almost dying, like she set them off. And I would never tell her this, but I think shes right. She really did almost kill Y/N. But Im never going to say that. Im the peacekeeper, I have to make sure everyone is happy. And while its a job that I hate, being leader was a job that I hated.

      Honestly I never liked being leader, I'm glad Leo is now even though he can be a pain sometimes. Either way, I have always been the one fixing everything. I'm used to it, and I'm sure Y/N is too. I can relate to them, a bit too much actually. I just wish I would stop acting like a parental figure and actually be someone whose 17, to actually be a teenager. Ever since dad died after he literally gave us the bomb that we have other siblings, its been rough. Especially dealing with Y/N's troubles. 

    While I can never explain my troubles to people, because then it would make others worries, I always try to make everyone happy- sometimes myself but that's when everyone else's needs are fufilled. And right now, I could be happy. Everyone was laughing, having a good time. And I was able to finally see Y/N smile again. Something that was as rare as me having a self care day. 

  I talked, don't know what I was talking about, but it was something. My eye was watching the clock as I waited for it to turn 3pm. That's when April was expected to arrive. And I would be able to get mad at her if she bailed. 

       tick tock tick tock

   I groan as the clock mocked me, I wanted to smash it like I would smash my emotions deep down inside of me. Either way I had to keep my cool, ugh.. Why is Raph like this??

      After 20 or so minutes, the clock dinged at 3. I straigthen myself, making sure I had better posture then whatever mine was at the moment- slouching. I expected April to be here soon, unlike everyone else who doesn't know when she is coming.  I always liked being the one who was first to know, I guess it was nice to know I wasn't going to get shocked about something. Eh what does it matter, my logic doesn't make sense and my sense doesn't make logic. 

       Before mind Raph kept talking, I heard Aprils footsteps from afar, I don't think anyone else heard with all this chatter but I certainly did. Then she came into the room. She wasn't in her usual fave outfit, instead she was wearing black pants with jean shorts over it. A yellow shirt with a white number 'five' on it, with braclets and leg warmers as her excessories. And instead of her hair to be in two tight buns, she had her pulled back in a ponytail. She waved, and everyone waved back. Except Y/N, who just smiled. April only smiled at her too. Still some tension Raph needs to fix. 

        "April!" I smile warmly, she comes up and gives me a tight hug - while I want to give her a even tighter hug, I know it will crush her so I just give a light one. I pat her head, and she smiles up at me.

        Y/N'z pov again:

I did not like April whatsoever, I literally wanted to gut her. Though I knew we had a shit first encounter, I did think she was the only other human that I could talk to. If I even tried to renter society, I would definitely need to finally go to college so I can get a job. And I would force Donnie to get me an apartment, since he literally kiddnapped me from mine.. I should probably ask him what happened to my pets.. 

    "Hi April" I say with a forced smile. Because no matter what, I seriously had to keep this moment lasting since its one I do not get often- or for that matter, ever. She smiled back, and we both knew both of our smiles were fake. But she did seem like she was sorry, I think. 

    She sat down next to Raph after their little hugging session had happened, and then the chattering began again. It calmed me down a bit, but there was still a need to choke April to death. I just didn't pay attention to that need and just tightly squeezed Donnie's hand ever so often to calm me down. But at the same time, all that bottle up rage hadn't left me, it was still boiling up in side of me. I just really, really hoped it would never come out. 

        because then, I think I would die for real that time.