This isn't love this is torture

chapter 21 - Goodbye

TW ag- just be warned 

            I sit in the makeshift kitchen of the sewers. I don't like this kitchen, since it ruined everything for me. But I had to wait. I fiddle with my thumbs as I tap impatiently against the floor. I look at my surroundings. Pans, silver wear, plates were stuffed in the sink. All which were dirty and disgusting with Pizza grease. If I were in danger or I wanted to hurt myself, I guess I could grab those kitchen knifes on the counter top next to the pilling shit load of dishes. 

     fump fump

"Salutations Y/N" Donnie walks in, he too, will not look me in the eye. I mean I wouldn't look him in the eye either but.. yeah. 

        "Hey Dee-"

         "You may only refer to me as Donatello" He quickly corrects me. Shit. Our relationship status has really went downhill. I itch the back of my neck like usual. And Donn- Donatello, quickly remembers where I got this habbit from. Now I know for sure he will never make eye-contact with me ever again. 

           "Okayyy Donatello" I say in almost a mocking tone, to make the situation more lighthearted in a way. "what didya wanna talk about?" I ask. 

        "I want you out of this liar. But Leo is aruging with me tooth and nail so I can't do anything. Mikey also says that its our fault your like this-"

      "Like what?" I shoot him a glare.

        "Like a maniac or someone whose mental state is the worse in history. For christ sake look at your arm. Look at your weight" He shoots me a glare back. I shrink. I hated making him mad, reminded me too much of what he would do.. no. could do. 

      "what are you trying to get at?.." I mumble. 

      "My mental state has gotten better, yours is only going downhill. Mikey is going to do more frequent sessions with you. And once he decides you are stable, we will send you off with some money where you can live on your own once more." he pauses "Leonardo has agreed to these terms, and we are allowing occasional visits from you" 

     My eyes furrow as I clench my fist. What the fuck was he talking about? He expected to save me from suicide just to make my life even worst. Commenting about my fucking Self harm and weight? Who the fuck was he to say something like that.

   "Why did you even fucking save me, if you only want my life to be worse" I roll my eyes and cross my arms. I didn't want to cry, seeing how that litterally never got me anywhere. 

    "Because.. somewhere deep down. I still love you Y/N.. And I hate that part but I couldn't- I." 

    "welp that's all I needed" and suddenly all that anger dissapeared as I stood up from the chair, walking over to him. We both stare at each other for a second, this time actually locking eyes. My hands slowly grazed his cheeks as I kissed him.

      I've waited so long for this to happen, and for it to be magical or real. And it was all of those. Even if it was just a simple kiss. 

    But Donatello quickly removed me, he looked sad- no, confused. Or troubled? I don't know. 

"Y/N.. This can't happen again. I don't want everything to happen again" and then he left. Again. He left me, again. HE LEFT ME AGAIN. HE LEFT ME AGAIN? HE LEFT ME AGAIN?!

I scream, like really loudly. And I colapsed to the floor, pulling at my hair, pulling at my skin. I bang against my head. HE LEFT ME! WHY! WHY WHY WHY WHY?!. Haven't I been doing better? Haven't I been doing better for HIM?! it is so UNFAIR! 

    I turn my head to the kitchen knifes. Maybe. I can finally do the job? this time with more force?.. I slowly wobble up towards to countertop. My hands grabbing one of the knifes, twisting my fingers around the smooth handle. Letting everything sink in for once. I pull it out of its place, holding a firm grip on it. 

        Then his hands wrap around mine, slowly taking the knife out of my hand. But I didn't stop him, I didn't move, couldn't breathe. 

    Donnie places the knife back in its place, as I takes my hand. Moving my lifeless vesle out of the kitchen. Walking me past the living room where Mikey stared. Past the lair where Raph stopped skateboarding to stare. And back to Leo's train cart (his bedroom) placing me on the blue bed where I could hear noises of him and Leo talking. But my mind was all a blur, so I didn't hear anything. 

     I rock myself, braid my hair but never finishing it, and I itch the back of my neck. Which is the one thing that usually calms me down. I lay down on the bed, curling myself into a ball as I cover myself with bed sheets. I still felt lifeless even though I was breathing (kinda), blinking, moving. I wasn't a person anymore. So I was just a puppet for my insane mind. My deep cuts and scars were just scratches from playing too much with this lifeless puppet. Why was the puppet so deflated and weak? Well that's because I forgot to feed my puppet. It was all just some fake reality where nothing was real. And everything was an illusion. 

         Was my love for him an illusion?.... God that would be ironic.