This isn't love this is torture

chapter 32 - i wish i could turn back time

cw

  I can eat now, i have cut myself for a while but...

   It was weird trying to adjust to living again or even having basic human interactions. First i needed a job, not an apartment i couldn't pay for, or food, or water. Well maybe water, but job was still first. - because, let's be honest, 10,000 dollars wouldn't get me far. I went to get a job at Hot topic, and the best clothes i yanked from don's were... okay. 

      A white tank top that I covered with a leather jacket, jean jorts and converse with of course, socks. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, not even bothering with makeup since I forgot to grab that and headed for the interview. I got the job, shocker since Hot Topic loves their suicidal employees. Joking. It went well for a week, i got my first paycheck and it was okay. Since i got paid 14 dollars every hour and i worked for like, what, 8 hours every day? I got at least a 700 paycheck. Which isn't a lot, but then again i was already going to get a side job.

      This was just so weird, not being able to go back to my old apartment and be greeted by my pets. I wished it would go back to normal, at least back then i was only crying about being broke. Which i am now. Living on the streets isn't fun either, I live in a homeless camp. Honestly the people i live near are nice, on the contrary, yes most of them do drugs but still it almost feels like family for the 2 months I've been living at that camp. My tent is next to a sweet old lady, Caroline, she's like- the mom of our camp honestly. 

    Every time I wake up screaming in my sleep, Caroline is always there to comfort me. Then theirs  Kyle, Rhonnie, Antonia, and Rhonnie. We all kind of live next to each other's, neighbors in a way. 

        I told them about my crazy ex, Donnie. But i left out the part where he's a 6ft mutant turtle. Caroline thought i should go to the police, but of course i knew if i did they also would not believe me if i said my stalker was a talking walking humanoid turtle. 

 "Aight, heres yo money slut" 

ah, and now i snap back to reality, sitting on the tip of some hotels bed while this 'gangsta' gives me cash for sucking him off because he cant get any hoes. Yeah, so this is my side job. 

    "thanks a ton cutie" I try to be seductive, to mostly get a tip. 500 dollars, jesus fuck he tipped me off. 

 I wave him away, i sigh before i flop onto the bedsheets of the warm bed. I get to stay in this hotel for a night since that guy paid for it. It feels so surreal, knowing that im finally free of fucking Donnie. Yet i still miss him, and love him. But i cant think that now, i have to live. But what was weird was that, surely, his brothers would look for me. I mean they were trained ninjas so they should obviously have found me by now. But- what if.. 

  What if Donnie listened. What if he actually understood the horrible nature of our relationship? 

        "ha! your hilarious Y/N" i mutter to myself before i snuggle into the silk bedsheets of this nice hotel room. I was lucky with this customer, got a rich one this time. I fall asleep, nice and easy since it was my first time for a while actually sleeping in a warm heated room.

      DONATELLO'S POV

How could you do this. How could you, out of every imbecile in this cruel forsaken world, mess up this badly. Donatello fucking hamato, crying profusely and shaking violently as you wait for your angle to return, though its quite evident their not coming back this time. 

  I try to get up, my scaly body crumpling up into a body. I dont want to get out of bed, nor do i feel the need to move. Y/N is my everything, how did it become so wicked and twisted?
     I grab my phone, my eyes flickering to the photos app installed on my device. I click. Every picture i see, was of me and them, or just them. Their smile, their eyes, their skin, their hair. I will never be able to get them out of my head. Why did i have to become so infatuated with this simple human being who was just trying to get through life. Was it my own dark desires that i have suppressed for so long clinging onto someone moldable? someone weak and vulnerable? But I am a good scientist, a good mutant. 

     I shake my head, i mustn't be this naive. I am a horrible mutant, i do not deserve life or forgiveness after my sins. No atonement can heal Y/N wounds that i have caused. 

      Slowly but surely, i remove myself from my bedsheets, the familiar warmth leaving me. Shaking legs and puffy eyes, their is no way i shall face myself in the mirror. No one deserves to look at my figure, my disgusting face. That is a punishment not fit for anyone. 

    Knock knock 

"Heyyyyyy donnie!-" I hear Leon's obnoxious voice tune from outside my door. Soon he walks into my chamber, seeing me in my sluggish state yet a smile grows across his face. 

       "you finally got outta bed! Mi hombre its been, what? like, a month since you even got up! Im proud of you bro!" he jumps to me, squishing me with a tight hug. This, this i do not need at the moment. 

      "Leonardo" I groan, and he backs off. From just my tone - which i am usually not good at portraying - he understands my frustration and irritation. I look behind him, April was there standing with worried eyes.

      "Can both of you please stop treating me like im insane? Im completely normal, yes Y/N broke up with me but- its for the better honestly" I mumble to them, but loud enough for them to hear. I told them that y/n just 'broke' up with me and that was only what happened, nothing else. Of course, that was far from the truth. I had gotten worse again, and used Y/N once more. This was for the better though, Y/N was far and safe from me, but that didn't stop the overwhelming obsession of wanting to find them. 

    I walk past my annoying twin, being flashed with actual sunlight in a while. It hurts my eyes but the pain is nothing compared to my heart. If Y/N was here they would laugh and say im being overdramatic, god i miss them. 

    My feet stumble over each other a bit before i enter the kitchen, sitting myself down before i realize i don't want to eat. Nothing appeals to me or appeals to me like they used to. Everything seems poisoned to me, must be the paranoia. Maybe this is how Y/N feels whenever they are forced to eat, everything seeming not satisfying. I shake my head

      "just eat something, you'll feel better then. Try pizza, that always makes you happy" I mentally talk to myself. Standing up, i dont notice my family watching my curiously, waiting to see if i did anything irregular or unsafe. I grab a slice of cheese pizza, shoving it into my mouth quickly. I try chewing before i spit it out quickly. 

      "what the-" im shocked, appalled. How the hell am i not able to eat my favorite thing in the world. I was just fine two days ago. When was the last time i ate? ugh,  god dammit. I picked up a little habit from Y/N that is not the best trait i could have gotten from my significant other. None the less i mustn't think of my growing eating disorder that might be happening, i walk out of the kitchen and into the Tv room. I should be able to lose my mind to some tv, that should work. 

    Sitting down onto the old rusty couch Pops used to always sit on, i turn on the history channel, it always seemed to calmed my nerves down. But instead, i cant focus on the things i already knew being repeated to me. All i could think of was them. Their tiny figure with scars everywhere on their body, their h/c flowing perfectly with their skin. Their odd sense of fashion that always made me laugh, and of course their favorite black converse. 

   But something i can never forget is the way they always came back to me, no matter what. So it wont be different then this time, right? Maybe i just had to find them, and convince them. And then everything will become right in the world when their lips hit mine, their hands wrapping around my bridges on my shell, hearing their voice whisper in my ear 

"I love you" 

longer chapter then usual, might do more of donnies perspective, hope yew guys enjoyed! have a good day/night and take care! <3 word count btw was 1550