This isn't love this is torture

chapter 5 guilt

TW: recovery, abuse 

Note: there is like mentions of donnie in this ep but he doesn't show up soooo skip if u don't want da fluff <3

       this wasn't right..

                  everything felt.. 

wrong 

      sure he may have hurt you bad

but this was cruel.

 I couldn't stand being alone from him any longer, it was like he was apart of me. Raph and his two brothers stayed with me as I tried to recover as they said they had kept donnie locked up. I hated it, I loved him, even though I hated him so much. It was a craving, a craving pain from him. I wanted to be his slave again, his toy. I sounded insane but aren't we all? The warm blanket comforted me as I dug my face onto a pillow, Mikey had chose to keep watch one me. Just so Donatello couldn't come back. I liked Mike, he was young, happy, and so oh very kind. He painted the wall so I could be a bit cheerful. 

      It had been 5 days since I was saved, 5 horrible yet happy days. I reached my hand out to trace the grafiti Mikey did for me. He was asleep, watching me for 7 hours I could only imagine was tiring. I stretched my legs out as I took my blanket and put it over Mikey, it wasn't cold in the room and i've delt with worse so i assumed I would be fine. But something lingered on my mind.

Donnie.

    I didn't know what was wrong with me, I mean. I knew there were MANY things wrong with me, but this was different. It didn't feel at place. It felt odd. I shifted as I sighed, I slid down next to the chair Mikey was sleeping on, I laid my head on his thigh, my eyes half closed. I missed him so much, the cuts from him were bandaged and oh how badly I wanted them to bleed again. I wanted me to shake under his feet as he punches me and punishes me. I missed that, but I hated it too. GOD why was I so messed up?

    there was a creek from the door, someone was changing shifts. Leo came in, smug and all from how he did last times he changed shifts. He giggles at Mikey andd me, he nudges him as I move my head as I stretch. Mikey jolted up 

"huh? what I-" He sees Leo and me and sighs. "I feel asleep again, didn't I?" I giggle

"yeah hermano, you need drink some coffee or something" Leo laughed as he pushed his bro off the chair, Mikey stuck his tongue out at Leo as he left the room, closing the door with a click 

      "so.." Leo started, damn, here was more rambling from him. I mean it was better than hearing my voice at least. "Donnie is.. wanting to see you" 

   This wasn't like Leo, this was more Raph's forte. Leo was an upbeat guy who was 100% gay. I quieted and Leo shook his hands. 

        "of course he won't be seeing you.. in person.." 

that made my heart sank a bit 

        "but maybe we can allow some voice call? and move onto video call? Mikey said its good for Donnie if he can forgive himself by reconnecting with you in a more positive way" Leo shrugs, I sit in the bed, wrapped in the heavy weighted blanket. I frown, did I really wanted to talk to him? was I mistaking everything? god why are you-

           "yeah that sounds fine.." I say weakly, I shift uncomfotably. I felt so guilty, like somehow this was all my fault. No. It was all my fault. I grip tightly onto my blanket, Leo noticed my change in mood and did his little thing that always made me happy.

        "did ya hear about the drama about butter?" Leo whispers, I shake my head. 

"never mind, I shouldn't spread drama" He burst out laughing and wheezing, I giggle. I loosen up a bit, smiling even. He noticed that. He stood up and made stupid movements, I laughed harder. My smile wide, my eyes tearing up with happiness. Than a knock came from the door, Mikey came in smiling as usual, giggling at us laughing. 

       "Rapha says dinner is ready" He says, gesturing for us to come. I un-rap myself from the blanket as i stand up following Leo and Mikey, footsteps linger in the sewers cave. I can hear distant screaming, I shiver, Donnie.. I try to not listen to that as I focus on the smell coming from the table. I smiled, the cheesy smell of a mix of peporonni rush up in my nose. I smile as I sit down nex to Raph as Mikey sits down and Leo too. I smile at Raph. 

        "hey, how was today?" I smile, he smiles back. 

"good, Donnie is learning how to not bite when I come near" He chuckles, showing his arm, full of bite marks and scratches. I shiver. He quickly puts away his arm, realizing how he overstepped.. 

        "um, I was wondering if we could do a game night?" I ask, rubbing my arm. Leo's eyes lit up, he smirks. 

            "lou jitsu" he says proudly

"lou jitsu" Mikey repeats. Raph throws you over his shoulders, like when he rescued.. no.. don't think of that..

    He rushes to the couch and flops you onto it, Leo and Mikey soon flop next to you. Grabbing their controlers and smashing their fingers vicsiously onto the keys, biting their lips as pizza was sliding into their mouths. Laughs and rages were heard as everybody was happy. I felt a bit at peace, I smiled. 

          A single tear ran down my cheek, I smiled even more, Mikey nudges me. 

"you good?" He whispers, I nod. Wiping the single tear away 

"yeah just emotional and all" I giggled as I went back to fighting on the bosslevel. 

          that night was all fun and games..

I need to be more on guard 

Sorry this is a shorter chapter !!!