A Love Lost

Gabriel

The way her hair was tied up and the way her dress fit her almost like a second skin made the night feel like it had gone on forever and the past few weeks had been an absolute torture. It seemed like she was leaving to go to a friend's place every day, no matter what she was wearing, which was a hard pill to take. She wasn't mine. She didn't talk to me at all. I constantly wondered what exactly I had done to make her avoid me.

To make matters worse, she was going on a two-month vacation with another guy. Not just any other guy, Sebastian Moreno. I couldn't believe it. She looked so nervous throughout the entire meal. I wondered what was going on. Every now and then she would rub the back of her neck with her available hand. Her elbow would brush against my upper arm, due to the proximity of our chairs, and an electric shockwave passed through my body. I knew she could feel it too by the way she adjusted herself in her seat.

When she announced that they were official, I almost regurgitated my food. I had to hold it back to not make a scene. They were going to go away together, as a couple, to Menorca. For two months. I felt a surge of unfathomable jealousy conquering my body. It felt wrong. It shouldn't have, but it did. I got over it as soon as Sebastian's mother brought up Ana's past. I wanted to be the one to defend her. I knew that she was different. So did Sebastian. I thought better and thankfully, Sebastian was quick to defend Ana. He knew who she was. Everyone did. I guess at some level I did too, but I couldn't see any resemblance of the young, supermodel, Ana, and the one sitting next to me.

Before we all went our separate ways, Ana gave Sebastian a kiss that made my blood boil. It looked intense. I could feel the heat radiating off of it. It resurrected the jealousy. I knew that before she left, I would have to leave her with a mark to remember that there was something between us.

Driving with Ana on the way home was even more difficult than dinner.

"Thank you for coming." she meant it. I could tell. "It meant a lot that you were there next to me. I know it must have been hard for you." Her sweet and soft voice was like honey and I was the bee. I needed it constantly. I needed to be surrounded by her.

"Why do you say that?" I knew why she said it, but what had I done to show that I was in any way affected by the dinner?

"I just know that if the roles were reversed and I had to watch you and a girl together, I would not be half as calm as you are right now. Even if I was with Sebastian or someone else, I still wouldn't like the idea of you with someone else.

What she said made me curious. If she was in a relationship with someone else, why would the thought of me with another girl make her so jealous?

"Why?" I voiced my curiosity.

"It just would," she said blankly, turning to face away from me.

That topic wasn't going to go anywhere. So I decided to change it. "Are you ready for the vacation?" I was truly interested. Call it masochistic, but the pain was worth it and enjoyable when or if I could see her happy. Like tonight, seeing her with him was painful. But, seeing her happy even though it wasn't with me, made the pain bearable.

"Yes and no." Short and sweet.

I waited a moment to see if she would elaborate.

"I am excited to go to a new place. I want to see if I can be with someone who knows about my past. I prefer it if guys, like you, don't know me from what I did when I was thirteen. If in two months, I don't see this going anywhere, I will know and jump ship. I like him. But he's not..." her voice trailed off.

"He's not? Who?" I asked.

"He's not you." She said truthfully and sighed a heavy sigh. "I don't think anyone will be you. But nothing can happen. You and I both know that. Maybe it could work if my mother wasn't married to your uncle, but we are pretty much step-siblings...Just know that there will always be a place for you in me."

It both broke my heart and made it do summersaults in my chest when she said the words. It broke my heart because she was right. Nothing could happen. We both have read enough ill-fated, tragic romance novels. Even if we ran away together, we wouldn't last. I will always love her. She would always love me. But the joy existed because she felt the way I did. There was a part of her that wanted to be with me. As she said, I didn't know her because of her past. I knew her because of her present and fuck the past. Everyone seemed to throw her past in her face and it fucking sucked. It was horrible to see her face fall every time. I would always be there for her. In every way. I knew that she would always be there for me too. There was a potential for our moments to exist. But we knew then and there that nothing permanent could happen.

As we drove closer, I heard the sounds of her crying. She was upset.

"What's wrong?" I asked her. I was concerned. She had just been so happy.

"Nothing." she lied, her voice breaking.

"Ana?"

She sniffled. "It's stupid."

"Tell me."

She sighed. "I don't like that there can't be a possibility for us." My heart broke as her voice broke.

"I thought you were happy with Sebastian."

She turned to face me. It was then that I saw the true Ana. The depth of her emotions. "I am happy, but Gabriel, no one can make me feel safe like you do." it hurt to hear that, but it also felt good. Masochistic. "I feel horrible for avoiding you these past weeks, but the truth is...if I had seen you, I wouldn't be able to control myself. My mother is my mother, but I can't go to her with everything. You are the one person in this world I feel as though I could bear my soul to, every detail, and you wouldn't criticize me. I like that you don't know. I like that with you, I am a new person. I am not defined by my past. You see me for who I am and not who I was, and that is why I think I have this pull towards you. I think it's why I might even love you. I love how tonight, you came even though it hurt. I felt it. When my elbow brushed your arm. Don't think I didn't. I would be stupid to think that there is nothing between us.." I had to cut her off.

Her words were overpowering. The truth rang clear in every syllable. She possessed me body and soul. So much so that I found myself pulling over onto a dead-end street, leaning over the center console, cradling the right side of her face. She leaned into my touch. I pressed my lips to hers.