A Love Lost

Ana

 Hadn't I given Gabriel enough? I told him about what happened with my father's coworkers. Why couldn't he let this one thing go? I feared that if I shared this one secret, everything would go to shit. I hated that I couldn't have anything private. I was thankful that the house had so many rooms. I found one on the second floor. It was entirely closed off. No windows. One of the few in the house. It was exactly what I wanted. No. It was what I needed. I closed the door behind me, turned the lock, then unlocked the door, curled up on the bed, and let the darkness conquer me.

For hours I lay there, crying my heart out until it felt as if there was nothing left. I vaguely recollect my phone lighting up and buzzing. I ignored it. I couldn't talk to him. When I ran out of tears, I lay there in silence. Thoughts and anxieties assaulted me. You aren't enough for him. You are nothing more than a little girl. You don't deserve to love. You aren't worthy of love. Over and over, my mind repeated these things to me like a mantra. Then a memory from my darkest times resurfaced.

"You are so selfish Ana!" Charlotte shouted at me while throwing pillows at me. I dodged them one at a time. Each time was a challenge. My body was on fire. I was in so much pain. "Daddy loved you and you ruined it! I would have given anything for him to treat me the way he treats you, and you go and disobey him. Mom won't take you back. Not after this." She grabs a magazine and holds it in front of me. "Her beloved daughter on the cover of TMZ and every tabloid from here to London. She must be so ashamed. Too bad for you."

I ran out of my room, away from Charlotte and straight into my father. 'Hi sweetheart. Did your sister give you something to think about?" He pet my hair. "Come with me." He grabbed my arm and pulled me to the living room. He sat on the sofa and pat his lap. "Let daddy comfort you. Come on baby girl, it will make you feel better. It's what I want you to do." He used his soothing voice. It was the one he used in his bedroom whenever he would make me sleep with him. I needed comfort. From anyone. What my sister just did, crossed a line for me. I sat on his lap and he held me tightly. He smelled like alcohol and tobacco. He ran a hand up and down my thigh. I closed my eyes.

Even though I knew what was to come, I felt safe when he held me. He was my father. How could I not? I curled closer to his chest needing warmth. When I was scared, I grew cold. Even if it was seventy degrees outside. Before I could get a grip on myself, I felt him kiss me. I opened my eyes and tried to leave, but he was too strong. He kissed me again, his tongue invading my mouth, and I felt him touch my sensitive skin. Then, he pushed his fingers into me.

"Anastasia, baby. I am going to make you forget all of your worries." He whispered in my ear.

He shifted himself so he lay flat on the sofa, I sat on his face. Then I hear my sister.

"Daddy? Can I join?" Charlotte asked standing in front of me.

"Of course." My father said against my sensitive skin, his breath sent shivers through my body.

I could hear the sound of fabric shifting. Charlotte was removing our father's pants. I hear her moan then my father began to glide his tongue over me.

"Aren't you glad I told daddy to forgive you." Charlotte whispered in my ear before grabbing my waist and bending me so my back was to daddy's chest and our chests met.

"Now. Do what daddy's doing to you to me." She was sick. This whole situation was odd. But I knew she would become violent if I didn't comply. So, I began to glide my tongue over her sensitive skin. She and my father took turns to bring me over an edge I knew all too well at the age of twelve.

Another memory assaulted me...

Three men sit around me, completely naked. I am on my knees with my hands bound behind my back to my ankles. My father is holding my hair, in a braid, tightly.