Say 'Kiss'! • bxb

20. Moving on

Tobias' P.O.V.

Mateo's been stressed lately. I don't know if it's the fact that he's still not fully over Sarah, the fact that he has a lot of assignments to do or the fact that he has to do my laundry too.

We played rock paper scissors this morning to decide who will do both of our laundry for a whole week and he lost miserably.

"Fine! I'll do it" he said without resisting at all which made me feel good in a weird way.

Has he finally calmed down? He's not as hot headed as he used to be so I'm hoping he's calmed down for now. Even if he throws a fit again I can just ignore him like I've done for so long.

The problem is that i wanna be friends with him. That night when we were both drunk is replaying in my head like a broken record. Us laughing, falling, the ice cream, holding hands.  What's up with that? Am I that touch starved? Do I really need the touch of a man that bad that even Mateo will do?

I take a sneaky glance at him to make sure. I'm not attracted to him, right? His appearance is ok-ish, let's say. Not ugly but not the best looking I've seen. I'm acting crazy and shouldn't spend my time like this.

Why not go out? Truth be told, I'm afraid I'll meet my parents again and they'll annoy me with their never ending questions. If Lina is with me she'll become a victim of this too and I can't risk it.

Only a few more days then I'll treat myself to a nice meal out for dealing with all this bullshit and, somehow, still being sane.

There's a knock on the door and Greg walks in with a bottle and Mateo jumps from his chair.

"Thank you! You're my saviour!" he grabs the bottle and opens it.

"Hey. Careful. I only agreed to buy it for you because you promised you wouldn't get drunk" Greg points a finger at him and Mateo nods.

"I'm in my room so that means I can't do any mistakes I'll regret"

I scoff unconsciously at that. Does he think all we did that night was a mistake? I had the time of my life and all the sees is a mistake?

"Nothing a few sips wont fix"

"Man it's literally tuesday. Who the fuck is drinking on week days?" Greg rubs his forehead.

"I am. I can't bear being this tense. It's like I have a stick up my ass. Forget about all this. I won't get drunk, just relax a bit"

Well, I'm interested in how all this will play out. Thats why I put down the book I was reading and stare at them with curiosity, like a little kid that just got a new toy.

"Want some?" Greg smiles at me but i shake my head.

"No thanks. Not in the mood. Plus I think Mateo will need a lot to relax so leave more for him" I smirk at the end and Mateo rolls his eyes.

"Only a glass though. I gotta study my ass off otherwise my mom will kick my ass back to Argentina"

I take out the plastic glasses we keep in our closet - not because we're alcoholics or anything- and give them to Mateo who basically looks like a dad who's been through 10 divorces. Stress doesn't look good on him.

"Cheers. For friendship" Greg says and Mateo drinks his glass, his eyes on me.

Taken aback I blush. I don't know why but his eyes on me make me feel small, like I'm cornered pray waiting for his attack. And it sends shivers down my spine, but it doesn't scare me. It makes my heart beat faster and my vision blurry.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. Or at least thats's what they say. But then why is there an invisible wall between me and Mateo even when we're holding intense eye contact like we are doing now? Why can't I see behind this image he has created for himself?

I catched a glimpse of his real self at that party, but I didn't take advantage of it. I should've enjoyed it more.

Some time passes and him and Greg drink glass after glass. At some point Mateo aims straight for the bottle, but being tipsy he spills it all over his bed and even on one of his notebooks.

"Oh fuck. Well, I've never really liked this course"

"You're drunk" Greg says as if he isnt't too.

"At least I dont have that annoying headache anymore. Or that voice in the back of my head telling me to study. Or Sarah's face on my mind" his face suddenly turns dark over the last sentence.

I turn my head to look at him. He doesn't seem okay at all. Even if he tries to fake it, he always ends up in the same place, overwhelmed with his emotions.

"I'm not over her. I am not" he holds his face in his hands and cries while Greg is hugging him and patting his back.

I want to stand up and go there and comfort him. I want to tell him it's gonna be okay. How long does it take to fully be over a breakup? I don't know. But I'm willing to be by his side for that journey, no matter how long it takes. I want to be his friend.

But I don't . I just watch. Like I always do. I'm a spectator in my own life, watching others and myself from a distance, never daring to do the things I actually want to do. For how long will I be like this?

All I can do is watch. Watch as Mateo cries, watch as Greg comforts him, watch as he gets destroyed by stress and heartbreak. And stand there. Stand there like I did when Sarah kissed me, when all of this started.

So it is my fault after all isnt it? No matter how long I've avoided it, it always comes back to me. It is my fault.

"Im sorry" I say, almost whispering, but both of them hear me and Mateo stops sobbing for a few seconds as if he's processing what I just said.

Then the tears pour again.