Nothing Above You

Twenty six

Enzo Marcelo

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

This wasn't how I wanted to treat him. Not after how I saw him the other night, drunk. Not after how I watched him breakdown in my arms completely shattered. Not after the conversation I had with Anthony.

I wanted to be the one whom he could lean on. I wanted to be the one whom he could rely on, talk all what he had in his heart and mind. I wanted to be the one for him.
I had realized I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to give up on him, on us.

I didn't want to be the one who would sleep with him for something in exchange.

All this time, I kept myself from being the Enzo everyone else knows around him. To be honest, I didn't even need to try it. I had never been so much of an open book kind of a guy around anyone neither did I show anyone what I had felt. Except him.
From the very first day, the day we met at the restaurant, I couldn't help myself but approach him.

We were sitting in my private jet right now, ready to fly back to Rome. I sat next to the window while Mateo sat next to me. I could feel him holding his breath as his hands rested over his laps. Clenched.

He was definitely walking on egg shells around me and I couldn't stop it. Not when I had so much anger filled up in me.

After what he had said, I felt like the ground had slipped away beneath my feet. I could not believe what he was saying. It almost felt like he had snatched my heart out of my chest and stabbed it with knife multiple times and placed it right back with an innocent smile on his face.

My heart had never dropped this low in my stomach, making me want to throw up. It was a miracle that I  was able to keep myself from tearing up in front of him.

The feeling of betrayal, the feeling of being used and the feeling of being a complete failure hit me all at once.

Being the arrogant bastard I am, I agreed to the idea and now I can't look at him. Not because of how hurt I was with what he had said but because I had actually agreed to do it. I feel completely shit when I look at him, I feel like I have drowned myself in the bottom of the ocean of guilt and shame.

But again, me being me, I wasn't just going to go back and say, 'hey, you know what? I said that in anger. I don't want to sleep with you and reward you with something in exchange.' No. I was never made to be like that. It wasn't just me.
I never go back on my words.

During the flight, I opened my iPad and did some work, but Mateo stayed stiff. I could literally count how many times he had exhaled. He was on the edge but neither of us shared a single word.

"Sir, would you like to have coffee or tea?" The hostess asks and I look over to Mateo. He looks at me and I immediately look at the window.

Damn you Enzo. Bravo! Make things more awkward and throw him off the edge.

"Coffee. Please." I hear his soft voice and mentally groan. How will I ever stay away from him when he is this adorable.

"I will have the same." I look at the waitress as I see Mateo look at me from the corner of my eyes. I gulp and look back at my iPad and start typing. I don't know what the fuck I am writing. Don't ask about it.
I don't even know why I'm being like this. This nervous, this over the edge.

The hostess hands over the coffee to Mateo, which he immediately passes to me. I look at him as he holds the coffee for me and the hostess who is holding the other cup of coffee to hand me. I pause for a moment before grabbing the coffee from Mateo. I can't hurt him more. I just can't.