The Nutcracker Project [Gen L Society #3]

Chapter 27

Oxygen

Trigger warning: This chapter contains scenes depicting self-harm or suicide. Please skip if you're not comfortable reading this. I don't encourage anyone to do such thing. If you're experiencing mental/emotional/any kind of struggles, please seek help from someone capable of giving you the right treatment. Again, don't imitate the actions being shown here. Please read with care!

Flashback... Few years ago...

Blurgh. Blurgh. Blurgh.

Napahawak ako sa toilet bowl habang kinakalma ang aking sarili. I'd been vomiting a lot lately. Hindi ito normal sa akin.

Lagi rin akong nahihilo at sumasakit ang likod ko randomly. Nato-tolerate ko naman ito most of the time.

But, this time, it was different. It was unbearable. Gusto ko nalang umuwi sa bahay at magkulong sa kwarto.

"Hello, okay ka lang ba diyan?" someone suddenly knocked on the cubicle's door.

Agad kong pinunasan ang aking bibig using my hand. Standing up from my position on the floor, inayos ko rin ang aking buhok bago lumabas.

As soon as I was out of the cubicle, nakita ko si Koleen na nakatayo sa aking harapan.

"Ballerine? Ikaw pala yong sumusuka? Okay ka lang? Anong nangyari?" She fired me questions as her brows creased in worry.

I forced a smile. "I'm okay. Thanks." Naglakad ako patungo sa sink at naghugas ng aking kamay.

"Sure ka? Gusto mo bang samahan kita sa infirmary?" tanong ulit niya habang nakatingin sa akin sa salamin sa loob ng cr.

I shook my head at her. "Okay lang talaga ako, don't worry about me."

She sighed. "Sige. Pero kung may kailangan ka, sabihan mo lang ako, ha?"

I just nodded at her. I could feel the sincerity in her voice, but I didn't want to involve her in whatever I was feeling right now.

Matapos ang volunteer shift ko sa Psych Centre, I decided to go to the infirmary anyway. I was greeted by the school nurse na first time kong makita dahil hindi naman ako pumupunta dito.

"Ano ang nararamdaman mo ngayon?" The nurse asked me after checking my vitals, which turned out to be normal.

"Uh, I just feel a bit dizzy and I vomited earlier," I confessed.

Tumango naman ang nurse. "Pwede ko bang matanong kung kailan ang huling period mo?"

Napalunok ako. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I got my period.

"Alam kong sensitive at personal na topic ito, pero kung sexually active ka, baka may chance na buntis ka. Gusto mo bang i-test?"

My mind went completely blank. It wasn't because I didn't want a baby. But, there were so many reasons why I couldn't have one... not now, at least.

"Ballerine, if you want to do this privately, pwede kitang bigyan ng pregnancy test kit at gawin mo nalang sa bahay niyo," suggestion pa ng nurse.

"I'll just... I'll do it here," I finally said as she gave me the kit.

Lumabas ako ng infirmary na may dalang problema. The pregnancy test turned out positive.

What the hell will I do now? Paano ko sasabihin kay mommy? Sa lahat?

#

The next day, I still went to class, kahit na hindi ako mapakali sa nalaman kong may dala-dala akong baby sa tiyan ko.