the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.45.

<7.3.24>

I feel so dead. It's hard to describe how I'm feeling. Paralysed, shocked, dizzy, stressed, anxious, exhausted? I don't know but I have a feeling stuck whirling in my chest and I can't fking get it out for the life of me.

I accidentally came across my final mark for my assignment, and 'accidentally' saw that I pretty much failed based on the numbers.

It shouldn't matter. But it feels like it does. It's crushing my soul. But it's just some high school assignment that 'won't matter'.

The past few days were good but the definitely didn't feel like it. I feel so out of place and just dizzy. I'm trying so hard but I keep getting shit wrong.

Being at school isn't benefitting me or my mental health, but that isn't of concern to anybody since everyone goes through the same thing and I'm not special.

I want to cry. I just want to skip this small part of my life so I can move on. But people don't always understand that these little things stick with me for copious amounts of time.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria isn't just being a little sensitive, and it isn't just being a growing teenager. It feels more than just unpleasant and uncomfortable.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is unbearable and emotionally excruciating. It makes my head throb an my heart burn, and my chest feels like it's being strangled by ropes and stabbed with hundreds of knives. It's more than just awful, it feels like torture. It's triggered so fking easily, that it feels just unfair and cruel.

It's discouraging when I'm told from someone without RSD that it's just me being a teenager.

When a teenager is being 'a little sensitive' multiple times in a single day, to the point where it's:
- draining them
- keeping them from reaching their full potential
- making them uninterested in their hobbies
- making them stress and cry over rejected plans to hang out
- making them miserable from unread messages
- making them feel immense emotional pains from constructive criticism received by even their most trusted and respected person
- preventing them from opportunities that they dream of taking
- making them terrified of being misunderstood and perceived as 'worse' than they actually are
- ruining their confidence and self esteem in things that they knew they were confident in and then further convince themselves that they are just utterly useless and worthless
- making them write a whole list about how they despise feeling emotions and the fact that they hate themselves

...then, maybe it wouldn't hurt to be a little kinder?...
I understand. Not everyone will understand, not everyone will show empathy.
...even so, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to act a little kinder and fake your sympathy?...

...

I've had a story idea for a while now.
And.. maybe to distract myself as I usually do, I can begin writing while I feel in this mood.

Being positive to myself is kind of hard when people prove my strengths wrong and my weakness right.

—Yuna