the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.3.

<2.1.24>

It seems as though I'm here again. I feel like there's been a lot on my mind today even though the day has barely started. I'm going to try and get out what I've been thinking today before it all fades away from my mind.

Today started kind of rough. I open my phone to see the messages that I purposely didn't respond to, so that I would feel more safe and secure since my messages wouldn't be the ones that were left on delivered. I message back and I realise that the messages have been left undelivered for hours and hours. It's almost my fault for being delusional and constantly check as if the person was going to spend their precious time to talk to a lonely idiot who doesn't ever leave their phone unattended. Just as I was typing this I checked my notifications. It hurts every single time.

At times like this I wish I had some sort of activity that I would hyper-focus on instead, so that I wouldn't have the thoughts to pick up my phone again and check every few minutes for a response.

One of the worst parts about this happening, is when the person apologises to me for being busy or inactive or offline. It makes me feel even more sad and idiotic. I hate it when people apologise to me like that. It hurts badly every single time and it's so unnecessary.

I learnt quite a few months ago that this is a sign of having RSD or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is probably something that came with my undiagnosed ADHD too. As I read this article about the symptoms and causes of RSD, it felt so unreal as if the article was written about me. I feel as though I've always had RSD and I don't know why yet.

Experiencing this extreme emotional pain after perceived rejection is one of the worst pains I've ever experienced, and it's also something that is so frequent that it almost happens everyday without me realising.

I remember joining a friend of mine's group chat maybe 3 or more years ago, and at one point I said that I had a fear of embarrassment, and then ironically one of the people there said something along the lines of 'what do you mean embarrassment?', making me feeling extremely embarrassed. That person probably had no ill intentions with asking that, but the fact that they didn't understand what I meant at first made me want to just crumble apart.

It's very interesting how remembering that, I was actually aware that I was in fact sensitive to rejection but didn't know what to call it. I think at the time I normalised it, thinking that everyone experiences 'a little bit of extreme emotional pain' from time to time. I laugh about it, even though it pains me still till this day.

Being this sensitive isn't fun at all. I hate that I have to experience these emotions at what feels like such an incredibly high level daily. My parents mainly care about how my mental health affects me in 'important' environments such as school, but they don't realise just how much it affects me at home too. It's currently my school break/holidays, and In the first couple of weeks I felt so fking depressed and miserable from loneliness that I didn't take care of my hygiene properly and I never got out of bed. It felt so miserable in fact, that I wanted to go back to school just because there would be people there to accompany me, even though I don't talk a lot.

I hate saying that I 'struggle' or I have times where I'm in 'pain', because it makes me think about the many people who have experienced more pain than I have. I struggle so much to validate my own, real, emotions that I feel every second of my life—and that's one of the things that's keeping me from healing myself at least a little bit more.

I'm not sure what else to write down now, but I just want to say I am kind of amazed and astonished that I made it through journaling my third day. Motivation is really hard for me to maintain, so I'd seriously be proud of myself if I did a fourth or a fifth day, or even more. Ten days kind of sounds crazy to me, so I will aim for four.

I am going to sign off here for today, and hopefully things will maybe get 1% better.

—Yuna