the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.47.

<28.3.24>

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions— and they are making me confused about my mood & mental wellbeing.

I feel under-stimulated and just bored in general... I want to go out and do things and hang out with people— but at the same time I feel immense guilt and I feel ashamed of myself.

For the past couple weeks I've felt so disappointed in myself. I feel like as soon as I was diagnosed with one thing, I did the thing that I dreaded I would do, and try to self diagnose with everything else. I wish I went back to that person who didn't even want to admit to having anxiety because it was a 'mental health condition', and that I clearly have a stable life.

Being told that I'm just too proud of myself when I 'thought' I was just extremely sensitive, feels really degrading. Am I proud of myself? I'd hate if that were the truth. I honestly feel that it's the opposite really... I feel more ashamed of myself than anything. Yes I agree that I do tend to not try if I think I'll get it wrong, and maybe then I am proud. But am I 'proud' if I cry at the thought of people shaming me for being wrong..? And I guess if what they're telling me is the truth that I just refuse to admit, I'm glad they've given me more reason to be extremely fking annoyed and ashamed of the person I am.

I also hate the fact that my thoughts never fking translate correctly into words. It drives me insane. And I'm sure it does for others too. I feel that I've always miscommunicated my thoughts because I phrased things wrongly, and it always leads to misunderstandings. I hate misunderstandings. To be perceived as a bad person or to be judged by my opinions makes me want to crumble apart. It makes me hate myself. I already do. I feel like this is something I really can't escape. I get that everyone experiences this, but when I meet new people that don't know me— it happens annoyingly often. It's frustrating and I just wish that I wasn't given this stupid brain I have. It's not something I'm proud of— I'm very ashamed.

Lately, every night before I sleep I would have a lot of these thoughts that I'm writing here. And when it gets to the point where I starts hurting and tightening my chest, the image of myself hitting my head into the wall appears. I don't know if envisioning myself self harming is still 'oddly comforting'. Just thinking about how I finally started to validate myself, makes me so embarrassed. I hate it. Why would I validate myself? How idiotic... Hopefully by writing this all down, I'll finally force myself to hate me again. That little crying child in my soul needs to be protected. When I say protected, I mean only by the outside world. The only person that I allow to hurt them is myself— This all sounds extremely stupid and my mind will be changed later 100% but, I want to make myself think these things.

—Yuna