the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.54.

<1.7.24>

It feels like I just forced myself through a garden of thorns. My chest hurts, but I know I did something good.

Sometimes, I feel like I don't go through the right pain. I avoid things to go through other things. But this was truly painful. It was hard. It was not easy. I wanted to back away countless times but I didn't. It's hard to feel proud of myself when in pain, but I know I did something that I was afraid to do many times before.

Seeing a friend in pain is hard. Being present is harder. Being present and letting them feel free to feel painful emotions is even harder. But I stayed strong. It was almost like telling a white lie.

Usually at that point during the conversation I would interfere and talk about myself and my pain, but I didn't. Usually at that point in the conversation I would leave and isolate myself, but I didn't. Usually, I would not return and be present when she is present, but I won't do that as much as I want to.

I said I wanted to be in pain, so I am. I've been getting the easy way out of situations I don't like it, and I've always known that at the back of my head. I'm afraid.

But, instead of taking the usual path I take, the one with the rough rocky ground, I took the thorn bush path. The rocky path is as painful as the thorn bush, but my feet have already built up calluses to withstand that sharp rocks. Hence, I always walked that painful path I've been through several times already, to avoid the thorn bushes. And I did it, I walked through the thorns, and made it across to the other side for the first time that I can recall.

I think now I'm starting to feel the proud, but the wound stings. It feels bittersweet. I don't like it, but it's there. Instead of hiding the wound under layers of bandages, I will let it naturally heal on its own.

This is difficult.

—Yuna