the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.9.

<8.1.24>

I'm glad I hopped onto wattpad just to check a small notification on here, otherwise I might've forgotten to write something here today.

Today I actually visited the psychologist to get a proper diagnosis for ADHD. I've been suspecting it for a couple years now and it's been super frustrating trying to hide away all my emotions and feelings for so long. When I look at the bigger picture, it doesn't seem like a long period of time but it sure felt like it. I've never cried so much as a teenager in the past 2-3 years of my life, all because of masking my mental health.

Although my parents are now aware, I still don't feel too relieved. I sense a feeling that there are still things that will not change unless I speak up about it. However, it hurts too much to do so, and I currently don't feel like shedding tears. In their perspective, my journey of helping me with my ADHD only means that I am the one changing to help myself. However, I find myself constantly triggered by many actions and things that they do around me.

A reason why I don't want to confront them about this, is that to me it really just seems like I want to 'change' their normal and natural behaviours so that they are more suited to my own personal 'liking'. In a way, this is the truth but it also isn't. I just don't want to be perceived in a way that is selfish because I want them to word their sentences a little kinder for my sensitive self. After all, I struggle so much with emotion regulation and I easily get stressed and frustrated over little things that they say, even though there's no bad intention attached to it. I'm not sure if that will change but hopefully it will.

Otherwise, tomorrow I'm finally hanging out with my closest friend. As much as I am excited, I still feel a slight bit of aching in my chest, like I've been flooded with all the negative memories of my past hang outs or cancelled hangouts... It almost makes me feel so guilty for feeling this way because I do trust that the other person is looking forward to this. Yet, I'm sitting here still stuck in the lonely past to be appreciative of what's happening in the moment.

I just want things to improve and heal already, and that's a pretty greedy thing to say but that's honestly how I feel. I would like to start really appreciating the small things that make me happy, like how I finished this small crochet project yesterday at 12am (or rather this morning..).

Hopefully I can trust the saying that 'Time can heal all wounds', or whatever it was...

—Yuna