the Lost & Unfound : my diary

.52.

<5.6.2024>

I'm so, so tired.

I remember how I used to care. I remember how I used to care so much about every little thing. Every little thing that I felt I did wrong was another dagger into my heart. It felt like it mentally, emotionally, and every physically.

I still get it. I still get that feeling every single fking day because it's apart of me. It's not that the pain is easing. It still hurts. But I have an overwhelming feeling of numbness. Is it the medication? Or am I just tired. Perhaps both.

I skipped break with my friends to sit by myself somewhere else. And now, I'm skipping class. I'm sitting in the bathroom as I'm writing this. I've never done this before. The thought of wagging a class gave me a heart attack. Yet, now I'm here sitting so casually in the bathroom, missing what seemed to be my 'favourite class', music. I'm 20 mins late. Well, it's not late if I'm not attending class at all.

I'm surprised I don't care. I always care. More than I should. There's things I have to deal with afterwards as a result of this.

One, my teacher will question me. I'll be honest, because I can't lie. "I wasn't feeling well, and didn't want to come". Whatever her reaction is, I don't think I care. It would be great if I could gain her pity.

Two, parents questioning why I didn't attend a class. Well, I was upset. I was not feeling good. I'm stressed. Anxious. Overwhelmed. I was crying. Only that last part was a bit of a white lie. I did shed tears. But it felt forced. Everything else though was true, even if I am numb to feeling it right now. It also would be great if I gain their pity. On the other hand, they may scold me. If they scold me, maybe they will punish me. But what if they ask why? That dreaded word. "Why?". I can barely answer that question myself, let alone being able to give them an answer they'll accept.

My head hurts. I have 54 minutes left until I'm free, temporarily.

Now where was I? Ah.. yes. Friends. How dare they. How dare the universe make me so fking different and unlucky. I say I hate people, but deep down I know I hate myself.

I feel toyed with. This is so unfair. Why do they get to breathe, and all be put together in the same small little group? Why am I always isolated? Why am I SO fking LONELY in this world. I don't understand. People lie. They love to lie. They move on with lies they've shared without batting an eye. How fking dare they. Why do people like to lie to me. Why do people tell me, that they will do something and then proceed to NEVER do it? I hate apologies. I hate them with a fking burning passion. I hear them every single time they promise something to me. No there is no next time. Last time was the next time. The time before that was the next time too. And the one before that, and before that— you always fking say we WILL do it next time but now I don't believe you. I have that right not to believe you.

47 mins left. I'm so cold. I can feel the dryness in my throat and my stomach tightening because I purposely skipped my meal. Why haven't I committed to starving yet.

I wonder why I still try. I wonder why I still check my messages to see if someone has responded or reached out to me. In the end I just delete the message anyway and leave everyone on delivered. Does that mean I still have hope? That's.. kind of hilarious. I'm still like a little child. Waiting for someone to save me and pull me out of that pit I've fallen into. Even though.. every single time.. the same people who pull me out of the trench are the ones that unknowingly push me back down with great force.

I checked my notifications again. 42 mins left until 'freedom'.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm so numb. I'm frustrated but I'm numb. I'm devastated but I'm numb. I'm sad but I'm numb. I'm just so empty. Maybe that's why I don't care anymore as much. I simply am tired.

—Yuna