<20.4.24>
I feel so broken. Why is it so difficult for me to live in a world like this. As a neurodivergent, being put in a world full of neurotypical individuals is like torture. Nobody seems to understand me really well enough. I can't even ask for help. One reason is because I don't want to be criticised as I'm afraid, the other is because it's simply just so difficult for others to understand my needs.
I'm constantly being misunderstood. And it doesn't matter if it's my closest friend or a stranger or my parents— communicating my feelings is so fking difficult.
"You have to be more specific"
"You need to ask more questions"
"You should've asked for help earlier and now you're struggling"
"You're avoiding help from others despite being given so much of it"
I thought I was being specific.
I didn't know what questions to ask because I didn't know what I was missing in the first place.
I didn't realise that I was struggling at that point because what you said seemed to make sense.
No I wasn't avoiding the help because you've finally opened me up to it after communication and earning my trust. But now, yes I am avoiding the help because when I do get help, I'm not being helped.
It's not your fault. Neither is it mine. I simply just don't fit in.
I could only imagine if someone just as empathetic as me and understood my neurodivergent needs, helped me instead. Maybe I'd be better than everyone.
You are all excelling because you're being taught by the right people. I'm happy for you.
Where is my assistance? I still want help. I can't do this alone. But I can't seem to find someone I can trust.
To that, I can hear others say, "it'll get better and you just have to wait for the right people".
I know. I know that. But did you consider the fact that the 'waiting period' is fking painful? Others don't have to wait so why do I. It's not fair.
I'd rather be told by someone that they truly and genuinely understand my pain and empathise with me, than to be told that 'it will get better' and 'don't worry' and 'we're trying to help you' and 'be patient'.
I feel like I am just really not suited for this world. My eyes hurt a lot.
—Yuna
YOU ARE READING
the Lost & Unfound : my diary
AcakA book about my search for my 'home' in this world, my cries for help and comfort, seeking for hope/happiness, my vents about absolutely everything... and if you've come across this, hi! My name is Yuna :)
