<31.12.23>
I feel so unsure of myself all the time. I always seem to be contradicting my thoughts, like for example saying that I'm 'lonely' while also having really strong bonds between myself and my best-friend. It's as though my mood changes all the time. I feel so needy for attention sometimes, but then I also want to be alone and ignore anyone that wants to talk to me at the same time.
Sometimes, I don't know if these feelings are valid or not. If this was someone else I'd tell them it's okay to feel this way, because being lonely doesn't necessarily mean that you have no friends or connections at all. You can feel lonely at times, and it's not something that can be permanently taken away once you make good friends. I believe it's more about the quality of time you spend with people that make these moments more enjoyable and memorable. If you see and talk to people often but the conversations are almost a little dry or meaningless to you, then I think it would be a little bit depressing after a while.
Now, if I were to try and tell myself that, I would rather beat myself up more, over being a loser with 'no friends' and 'no life', continuously saying everything is my fault and so on.
Being this harsh to myself is so unnecessary, I understand. The annoying part is that I understand but I still.. do it..
I always tell myself I don't deserve to call myself lonely because I have good friends/family that care about me. I feel so fking ungrateful to even feel an inkling of 'loneliness' because I'm always told I have everything I need, right?
At this point, I feel like I am the only person that's telling myself all of this sht. But how will knowing that help my problem? Again, I beat myself up over it all anyway so regardless of the truth I will still hurt myself on purpose.
I get to a point where after I think about all of this, I feel so exhausted. This is the time where I go to open up Instagram or YouTube, and endlessly scroll to take my mind off my problems.
I always end up running to my 'dreamworld' by the end of it, to forget my so-called 'meaningless' feelings and numbing the endless pain.
These are my last few thoughts from 2023 before I sleep and start the year again.
Happy new year :)
—Yuna
YOU ARE READING
the Lost & Unfound : my diary
RandomA book about my search for my 'home' in this world, my cries for help and comfort, seeking for hope/happiness, my vents about absolutely everything... and if you've come across this, hi! My name is Yuna :)
