I don't know why I cried just now.
I was on the phone with my mom. We were talking about planning for our trip to my parents' home country. I'm so excited to see everyone and everything there. I was so happy and excited, but then I just felt the need to come clean with my mom. I felt bad. I told her that I did want to see my grandma and that I felt bad about not seeing my extended family that is here in my state. I told her that I didn't go and see them because I didn't feel a connection to them anymore. Even as kids, I didn't get to play with them. I always felt like they were getting me in trouble. That I had to look after them even though they were my cousins. I didn't feel like a kid having fun. I felt like a kid with responsibilities. I also feel like a failure to the rest of them. I haven't gone to college yet, I haven't gotten a degree. Nothing. I feel like I'm nothing special.
A part of why I also don't want to visit them is because I don't know who to trust. After growing up and actually seeing strange things and hearing concerning things, I don't want to be around certain people. I only care for my sisters and my parents. Not only that, but this extended part of my family is mormon. And unfortunately, that makes them judgemental. They judge my sister about her tattoos and such. I just feel like they think less of me because I'm not 100% girly, I'm not skinny, and I'm "not doing anything with my life."
I guess it's also how I think they see me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel like I belong when I'm around them. When my friends talk about their cousins, I feel jealous? I don't have that connection. I don't feel the same way about my cousins. I don't ever remember having fun or going places together growing up. I don't feel anything with anyone.
My mom also offered me money to help with things, but I'm so scared of asking for money. What if it doesn't help? My mom says I earn good money to afford things, but I don't see anything growing. I'm trying to save, and when I think I'm doing good, something happens and spoils everything. I get sick, I have to buy medicine, I have to pay on a late bill, something. I'm trying anything to just be able to save a few extra dollars. I lied to her to say that it's fine that I can wait for my refund, but who knows. I just feel bad about everything.
I feel bad for not seeing them, for making my mother worry. I just want to worry about my only family. My sister and parents. No one else. I don't want to talk about money or visiting my dying grandparents. It hurts too much. It just hurts so much.
