emotions

1.

     When she died, I couldn't help but notice a shift in you. It was as if you were there physically, but mentally you were somewhere else. I know that you loved her, and despite the resentment she had for me, I know that she loved you too.

But I always wondered...

What was it about her love that made you shy away from the love I had for you?

I could never get the chance to talk to you about how she treated me. You always put yourself on the stand for her defense before even hearing the opening statements. That to me wasn't fair. Even though you were present for most of the times that she mistreated me. Your eyes lead you to believe something different about what you saw.

You remember when we were all outside being dumb, young and full of self-doubt as we foolishly went along with whatever the other kids were doing?

That day that I split my finger open playing with those cinder blocks. You remember that? I remember all the blood trickling down my hand as I ran in the house screaming in pain and panic.

You sure you don't remember?

If my memory serves me right you were on the couch watching Good Times, as you paused for a moment to catch the back wind of the slap your favorite person placed upon my face. As I already had blood gushing from my hand.

Or the dismal look on your face as she forcefully walked me to the bathroom.

What about the time she slapped me when I went in her kitchen to get some cookies, something you specifically told me I wouldn't get in trouble for.
"Who the fuck said you could come in here and get these?" She asked, screaming so passionately spit started to fly in my direction with every word she spoke.

You remember? C'mon. I know you remember that night.

That night she fed the whole house, and left me without a crumb to chew. "Let the thief starve." Was her final words as she closed the barrier to the living room and kitchen and turned off the light behind her. Leaving your brother defenseless against the witch herself. You wanna know what hurt the most about that night? The thing that still slides across my mind when I look at you? The fact that you walked past all night long and never once came to check on or feed your helpless little brother. You left me hanging.

I shudder at the thought of you trying to protect me.

But, I loved you so much that I couldn't bring myself to tell her who the mastermind behind this alleged crime really was. Though, after presuming guilty and feeling the sting of my punishment, one thing always stood out whenever she hit me. You never protected me. Never told her to stop. Didn't even jump at the sound of my tears hitting the marbled floor. Instead you let that bitch do whatever she wanted to me. You must've thought I deserved it, but why?

For years this went on. The slaps and punches, the favoritism, the verbal abuse she subjected me to on a hourly basis. She got bold after awhile. She'd address me in front of you.
"Get up faggot, and let your brother sit right there." As I look to you to finally see firsthand after all these years what I was talking about, you shock me again. Instead, you went along with it.
"Yeah, get yo' faggot ass out my seat."

From that moment on, I knew she did what she wanted to do. Turn you completely against me. Against us.

Eventually, an angel from above was sent down and swept me away from her. Forever. I never had to look back. And I never did. Not one single time.

Funny, my real protector always asked, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Why did you let her do these things to you for all these years?" And my answer was always because I wanted you to protect me. Like you were supposed to. Like I've done for you.

I knew I had to get away. In the back of my mind it always felt like I was running away from her. Darting out the door whenever you all fell asleep at night just to end up right back in the dungeon for weeks. I still don't know how I managed to live through all of that.

I often think of that day when I see your face. I could never look at you as my protector, when I seen at first glance how quickly you can fold on me. The love I have for you is beyond words, and it always will be. But while I'm daydreamin', I'll take this story with me. As I keep moving on to the next...