✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

15 - The Fault In Our Stars

"I'm sorry you had to hear that." Jay and I lean against a wall as we stand outside in the garden, watching the sky slowly turn yellow and pink and purple as the sun sets on the horizon. I understand why he's apologizing, but I would never blame him for something he doesn't have any control over. "My mother can be a little harsh sometimes. She's always had these expectations, these ideas about how things should be. And when they don't align with reality..." He trails off, shaking his head.

"It's not your fault." I sigh, watching the colors blend seamlessly into the evening sky. The transition from day to night is what makes me believe in new beginnings. Beautiful, new beginnings. "People can be cruel sometimes, even the ones closest to us. But you shouldn't have to apologize for them."

Jay looks at me, his eyes searching for something. "But it still hurts, you know? To hear your own mother talk about your friends like that. Like they're not good enough. Like they don't belong."

"Do you like us that much?" I smile, trying to lighten up the mood. There's no need for Jay to bear this burden alone, and if a little humor can help, then I'll do my best. "I mean, we are pretty amazing friends."

For the first time today, Jay's smile is genuine. "Yeah, you could say that. Jake and Sunghoon have always been so... real. Then there's you and Niki, and the two of you somehow make life look a little less daunting." 

"Because my lungs barely work and Niki can't hear but we're still here, living our lives to the fullest? I nudge him playfully when his eyes widen and he looks like I just read his mind. "I know you don't mean it in a bad way, Jay. To be honest, I felt the same way when I first came to Hope Haven. I thought that if other people struggled like me, or maybe worse than me, and still managed to survive somehow then I could do the same. I could survive too." 

"I don't want to just survive, though," His shoulders relax and he closes his eyes while I stare at him, wondering just what kind of dreams and desires are hidden behind those closed lids. "I want to live, you know? Not just exist but truly live." I'm about to speak when he opens his eyes and the brown in them is the most beautiful shade of vulnerability. "Sometimes, I feel like this place is more of a cage than a home. I would switch lives with Jake if I could, let him enjoy the luxury and live with the fact that his parents expect him to be perfect when his body can't even function properly on its own. He wants to be me, but I wonder if he'd still want that when he knows how his life would truly be like. We all wish for something we don't have, only to realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side."

"Jake is just so... excited." I smile, letting out a soft sigh. "He seems like he's living in a constant state of wonder and awe. Maybe that's his way of coping with his own struggles. Maybe it's better if he gets to experience new things rather than relive the same monotonous routine every day."

"We're only seventeen and the world is already making us feel like we're not welcome in it. Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to want to live when life itself feels like an endless struggle. How I'm supposed to want something that doesn't seem to exist for someone like me."

"Someone like you?" My voice is barely above a whisper as the gentle breeze rustles through the leaves, through my hair, through Jay's hair. 

"I mean... someone like us," He corrects himself, his voice barely audible. "People who don't fit the mold. People who are different. No matter what I might tell myself, no matter how much I try to convince myself that I'm a normal person, deep down, I know I'm not. And sometimes, it's hard to ignore that feeling of being an outsider."

"We are not normal people and that's beautiful... I think," I smile, making Jay look at me in confusion. His eyes are full of hope, full of desperation. Desperation is humans' most excellent ally but a dangerous master. Once we let it control us, it can lead us down a path of self-destruction. The desperation I see in Jay's eyes, I hope it doesn't consume him.