✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

19 - A Burden I Can Never Set Down

I spend my days reading books and watching mind-numbing TV shows, trying to distract myself from the inevitable. But no matter how many fictional worlds I escape to, the reality of my situation always comes crashing back like a tidal wave, leaving me gasping for air. I need a donor and most likely, I won't find one in time. The doctors have been clear about that. My only hope now is to make peace with what's to come. My cigarette is lighting like Christmas lights on a tree and I can't seem to find the switch to turn it off.

Niki, Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon keep me distracted, filling my days with laughter and adventure. They're blissfully unaware of the storm raging inside me, and I can't bring myself to burden them with the truth. Instead, I pretend that everything is fine, that I'm not slowly fading away. They don't need to know that the friend they made a few weeks ago is already slipping through their fingers like grains of sand. They don't need to know that their summer will be ruined and I'll be the reason why.

"I want to go to the beach," Jake blurts out of nowhere as the five sit in the park, watching the sun set behind the horizon, painting the sky in orange and pink. We tend to come here every day and just be, soaking in each other's presence. I play my part, laughing when they laugh, smiling when they smile, all the while feeling like a fraud. "Isn't summer all about swimming and creating memories? We could build sandcastles, play beach volleyball, and maybe even have a bonfire at night. What do you guys think?" 

The idea takes hold of us like a wave crashing onto the shore, irresistible and invigorating. "First of all, we'll have to travel to Busan and I'm not sure if we can do that. And then we need to find where to stay and spend the night. I don't think any of us can afford a hotel," Sunghoon points out, his brow furrowed in thought. "Yeah no, it's not a good idea." 

"You're such a party pooper, Sunghoon," I watch as Jake rolls his eyes and shoves Sunghoon's shoulder. "Aren't you bored? All you do is spend the whole day at the ice rink and come to Hope Haven as if you're a seventy-year-old hag who never does anything fun. We need to live a little, you know? Just because she passed-" Sunghoon visibly tenses at his words and a lump forms in my throat. The way he sits up, the way his fists and his jaw clench, the way his eyes darken, it all makes me realize that Jake had crossed a line he was never meant to cross and now Sunghoon's pain is radiating off him like heat from a flame.

"What did you just fucking say?" When he speaks, his voice is low, barely a whisper, but it makes us all freeze. Even Niki, who can't hear, stares at him as if he's felt the tension in the air. "I said what did you just fucking say-"

"She passed away. There you go. Happy?" My eyes go wide when Jake presses his tongue against the inside of his cheek and lets out a frustrated sigh. "You're acting as if you're the only one who fucking lost someone but-" He doesn't even get to finish his sentence when Sunghoon's fist collides with his jaw, the impact echoing through the quiet park. Jake stumbles back, shock written all over his face as he holds onto his jaw, his eyes wide with disbelief. The rest of us are frozen in place and my hands fly to my mouth as if I'm trying to contain the gasp that threatens to escape.

"You don't get to speak for her. You don't get to throw her death around like it's some kind of insult, you fucking piece of shit." His voice cracks but he doesn't stop beating Jake. Jay and Niki are trying to pull Sunghoon away, while I stand there in shock, unable to move or speak. His fists rain down on Jake and it's both terrifying and heartbreaking. So much pain, so much suffering is heard in the way he lashes out. This isn't how it's supposed to be. We're supposed to be friends but here we are, torn apart by grief and anger. "

"She was my friend too, for fuck's sake." Jake's voice rises and the two of them are pulled apart, panting heavily as if they've both run a marathon. Sunghoon's chest heaves with exertion, his eyes still burning with anger, while Jake holds onto his injured jaw, blood staining his fingertips. "I cared about her too but unlike you, I'm living my goddamn life. You're the one stuck in that ice rink as if it will bring her back-"

"Enough!" This time, it's Jay who raises his voice and makes them freeze in their places. Not once have we heard him raise his voice. Not even once I thought he was capable of more than whispering the words and saying them with kindness. "You two are two fucking idiots and you both know it. We're not doing this here. Not like this, not in front of her." I don't even realize he's pointing at me until Jake's and Sunghoon's gazes snap to me, their expressions shifting from anger to guilt and sorrow. I feel exposed under their eyes, like a fragile piece of glass on the verge of shattering. "I thought you were better than this. The beach? Excuse Y/N and Niki if they don't jump at the chance of going on a beach trip with a bunch of lunatics." 

"Fuck it," Sunghoon runs his fingers through his hair and looks away, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Before I can even say anything or make sense of the situation, Sunghoon turns and walks away and there's nothing we can do to stop him. I know he needs some space to cool off, to process his emotions without the weight of our presence bearing down on him. As much as I want to comfort him, I know that some wounds run too deep to be healed with mere words.

"Can you two go after him?" I manage to say, not tearing my gaze off Jake. Jay looks at me for a moment before he sighs and pulls Niki along with him. He's not even sure what's happening but he doesn't say anything, he just follows after him and I'm left with Jake in the fading light of the park. He finally lifts his gaze to meet mine, and for a moment, I see a flicker of something in his eyes - a hint of remorse, perhaps, or maybe just uncertainty. "Are you okay?" 

"Honestly?" He sighs. "I'm not okay. Not even close. I'm so damn tired, you know? Tired of putting up with his shit, tired of pretending like I'm not falling apart inside, tired of trying to hold everything together when it feels like my world is crumbling around me. Narae wasn't his friend only, she was my friend too. I cared for her too and all I want is for everything to go back to how it was before. But I know it won't. I know things will never be the same but he thinks I don't give two fucks just because I don't spend half my time sitting in the ice rink where she used to skate. He thinks I'm a fucking asshole for trying to move on with my life when my life is falling apart." 

"Jake, I get it-" I try to rest my hand against his shoulder, to let him know that grief doesn't have to be carried alone, but he shrugs it off and steps back, avoiding my touch. 

"No, you don't," He shakes his head and smiles a little, though it's more bitter than anything else. "You don't get it, Y/N. I never told him," He whispers, his voice barely audible over the gentle rustle of leaves in the evening breeze and my heart aches for a million different reasons. "I never told Sunghoon that I loved her too. That I watched her from afar, loving her in silence while she loved him. I never told him because I couldn't break his heart, not when he was already broken by her death. It's not that I don't give a fuck. I give too many fucks and suffer in silence, carrying this love inside me like a burden I can never set down. And Sunghoon hates me for it. He doesn't even know, he doesn't even understand and yet, he blames me for not being there, for not grieving in the same way he does. But how can I mourn the loss of something I never had? How can I grieve for a love that was never mine to begin with?"

As the sun sinks lower in the sky, my heart sinks lower in my chest and I'm nothing but a broken soul standing amidst the fading light of day.