✓ BECAUSE WE WERE YOUNG | NIKI

27 - House of Cards

Neither of us could stop the gasp that slipped out of our lips when the words echoed in our ears, a morbid counterpoint to the steady beep of the heart monitor. Relief for Jake's recovery morphs into a chilling suspicion, a knot tightening in my gut. 

Neither of us is fond of the man who loved abusing our friend and yet, the news of his sudden death gives us enough shock to paralyze our thoughts, freezing us in a moment of stunned disbelief. I don't know what to do or say. My mind races, but all I find is a void, an emptiness that threatens to swallow me whole. 

"Why did your mother ask me to tell the police that you had been with us the whole time?" Jay blurts out, the question shattering the suffocating silence. Jake's head snaps up, his vacant gaze finally focusing on Jay. The way his eyes widen slightly and the way he keeps wiping his hands on his thin hospital gown, despite them being perfectly dry, makes me suspect a truth far more unsettling than a simple lie.

I ended my pain with my own hands.

My breath hitches and my hands fly to my mouth, the knot in my gut tightening into a fist. His words replay in my mind, a horrifying confession that shatters the fragile reality we'd clung to. A million questions bombard my mind, each one more urgent than the last. Did Jake... did he...? My voice catches in my throat, the accusation too monstrous to voice. But the raw terror in his eyes speaks volumes.

"What's wrong?" Sunghoon's voice cuts through the fog of confusion swirling in my head. My gaze flickers from Jake, whose face is a mask of barely contained horror, to Sunghoon, who stands frozen, the question hanging heavy in the air.

I struggle to find the words, to articulate the horror that grips me in its icy embrace. Denial threatens to consume me. This can't be happening. Jake wouldn't... would he? "I'm just..." I stammer, my voice barely a raspy whisper. How could I possibly explain anything? How could I voice the horrifying suspicion that now coils in my gut like a venomous snake? "Can I, in good conscience, even utter the possibility? "Nothing. I just—"

"Don't lie. You know I killed him." My heart drops. My gaze snaps back to Jake, searching for some flicker of denial, some hint that this is all a horrible misunderstanding. But his eyes hold only a raw desperation, a plea for understanding that twists my insides. Sunghoon lets out a choked gasp and everyone freezes. The air is heavy and suffocating and I cannot breathe with the weight of his confession pressing against our chests, a truth so unthinkable it leaves us paralyzed. But Jake's next words shatter any hope of denial. "He wouldn't stop hurting me. It had to end."

Anger, hot and furious, threatens to consume me. Anger at the man who inflicted this pain on Jake, anger at the world for allowing such things to happen. We're young. We're only supposed to be grappling with teenage angst, heartbreaks, and the awkward thrill of first loves. This brutal truth, this violation of innocence, feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

Sunghoon, who'd been staring at Jake with disbelief and something akin to betrayal, finally explodes. "You killed him?" He whisper-shouts, his voice laced with raw emotion. "Just like that?" His voice cracks on the last word, his anger morphing into a desperate plea for understanding.  

Jake flinches, his gaze flickering between Sunghoon and me, the desperation in his eyes morphing into a flicker of shame. "He was going to kill me if I didn't— He was going to kill my mother. He deserved to die." By now, tears are falling down my cheeks and I'm trembling as if I'm nothing but a leaf in the wind. "He deserved to die," Jake whispers again, his voice hollow, devoid of any satisfaction. It's the voice of someone who's been pushed to the brink, who's lost a part of himself in the struggle for survival.

Niki, who had been a silent observer until now, finally nudges my arm and signs, "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" His frantic signing snaps me out of my daze. Guilt stabs at me. How am I supposed to tell him, the most innocent one among us, that our friend had become a killer, not out of malice, but out of a desperate bid for survival? How am I supposed to sign the words? 

I take a deep breath, trying to steady my trembling hands as I meet Niki's gaze. "Jake... Jake did something," I begin, my fingers forming the signs hesitantly. "He... he had to protect himself and his mother. He... he had to do something terrible."

Niki's brow furrows, his eyes searching mine for clarity. He signs back, "What?"

"Someone," I continue, forcing myself to look away from his innocent eyes, "someone was hurting Jake. Really hurting him." I don't think I have to explain further because the light escapes his eyes and I can see the understanding dawn on his face. It's as if he's piecing together the fragments of a puzzle he wishes he didn't have to solve.

"We can do it." Jay's voice makes us look back at him. There's a tremor in his voice, but he clenches his fists and sucks in a deep breath. "We can lie. Jake had been with us the whole time. The five of us can stick to the story." 

The four of us look at each other before we look at Heeseung, standing at the door with his cigarette between his lips. He grabs it, throws it on the floor, and stomps it out, his expression unreadable. "I know nothing." 

Maybe the problem of growing up is that it becomes quite easy for one to tell a lie. Or more than a lie if it's a must and there's no other option. However, in some circumstances, a lie could be the most innocent thing that could slip off a human's tongue. Then again, does a lie deserve to be called a lie if it only brings peace for a moment? There's probably no proper answer to this question and we don't have time to think about it anyway. 

I don't even question why my mind refuses to shut as I lean against the chair in the waiting room and stare outside the window at how no star twinkles in the inky blackness. From the corner of my eye, Niki steps inside the room and I sit up, watching as he signs the words, "Couldn't sleep?" 

I shake my head as he takes a seat beside me. "Too much on my mind." I sign, so hesitantly, so uncertainly. "Everything feels... unreal." We sit in comfortable silence for a moment, the only sound the rhythmic tick of the clock on the wall before he leans against the wall and stares at me, his eyes full of a question that needs no voicing. The question of what comes next. The question of how five teenagers, barely equipped to handle the complexities of their lives, were supposed to live through the legal labyrinth and emotional fallout of their friend's situation. 

A lie that big, that audacious, feels like building a house of cards on shifting sand. One wrong gust of wind and the whole thing crumbles, taking Jake, and possibly all of us, down with it.

"We'll be okay," Niki signs and I sigh, nodding at him though the conviction in my agreement is more hope than certainty. I want to believe him, to believe that we can somehow emerge from this unscathed. He cups my cheeks and presses a kiss on my forehead and I allow myself to lean into the comfort of his touch, into the warmth of his lips that I once kissed. But I'm one selfish human being, hiding my fate and keeping secrets that would destroy him. I'm one selfish human being, a knot of guilt tightening in my chest.

Minutes pass, or maybe hours—time seems irrelevant. Sunghoon, Jay, and Heeseung sleep in the room where Jake is resting, their breaths steadying in the dim light. Niki stays with me and though we couldn't sleep earlier, I find myself resting my head against his shoulder while he leans against the wall. 

I dream of laughter. Unfettered, joyous laughter that fills the air like sunshine. We're all there. We're carefree, lost in a world of our own making. A world where Jake should never have to take a life.